We meet lots of dogs on our daily walks with Gatsby.
Yesterday, for instance, we came across a nice woman and her bichon. His name was Steve.
Steve the bichon.
This seriously cracks me up. Now I’m thinking we should have named Gatsby something like Mike. Or maybe John? Josh?
Image source.
Oh, Today Show. I love how you know exactly how to induce a gag reflex while I’m eating my oatmeal in the morning.
First we had the guy who cut off his own arm and then they made a movie about it. (Did anyone go see that? Why? You want to watch someone cut off his arm for 2 hours? Because nothing else really happens, right??)
Then there’s this guy who was on the Today Show this morning. Apparently he got his foot stuck while working in the woods and had to cut off his own toes to get free. I love how they mention the fact that he had to cut through bones AND tendons. In case we weren’t aware of just how nasty cutting off your own appendages can be.
People, let this be a lesson: DO NOT GO IN THE WILDERNESS ALONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
And if you have to go alone, don’t be flinging your limbs around all willy-nilly. You never know where they could get stuck.
Quote from Grub Street Chicago article about the new Farmhouse restaurant opening in River North:
“The menu was designed by chef Eric Mansavage – formerly the chef at Club Lucky – and will be based on ‘what’s available from Midwestern farmers and growers.'”
Sounds like a cool restaurant but HOLY COW THAT’S AN AWESOME LAST NAME.
Mansavage?? MAN-SAVAGE! raaawrrr!
I bet people eat his food whether they like it or not because he is Eric MANSAVAGE! A ruthless combination of man and beast, no doubt.
Remember when the restaurant Chipotle first started popping up everywhere and no one knew how to pronounce it? “Want to get lunch at Chip-o-tal?”
I know he’s a prince and everything, but besides THAT, does anyone else thing Kate Middleton could have done better?
Don’t you miss using Wite-out?
Does anyone really believe that all the nudity is actually integral to the plot in Game of Thrones? (HBO = Home Boobs Office)
Why do Bluetooth people have to make life awkward for the rest of us?
Why do I continue to watch every single season of Real Housewives? WHY?
When are abnormally pointy elbows going to be in style?
How many cake pops is too many?
Can you please join Google+? Because right now I’m following the streams of approximately three people.
Is there anything more irritating than the sound of a person eating spaghetti in a completely silent room?
Anyone have any good restaurant recommendations in L.A.? (Ok, that one’s not rhetorical. I’m really looking for a good restaurant there. Any suggestions?)
This morning, I was reading a recipe for Ginger, Coconut and Ricotta Pancakes. Because sometimes it’s fun to pretend that I’m a cultured, worldly woman with an eye for fashion and design who whips up gourmet dishes with more than five ingredients.
But, being that my experience with fashion and design is only through the blogs I read, and the only thing I tend to “whip up” is toaster waffles, I knew as soon as I saw the word “ginger” that I was never going to make these pancakes. In the kitchen, my motto is exotic ingredients = difficult recipe = DANGER! DANGER!
And I was right. One of the ingredients in this recipe is decimated coconut. To me, this means that I have to blow up a coconut using some forceful explosive device. Not safe.
When you don’t cook at all much, sometimes recipes sound like they’re written in a different language. Here are some examples:
Recipe: Cook bacon in a 12-inch heavy skillet over medium heat, turning occasionally, until crisp. Drain on paper towels; discard drippings from skillet.
My interpretation: Find a skillet that seems pretty big and is hard to lift with one hand. Put bacon in it and turn on the burner so the heat coming out seems to be a medium amount (?). Flip bacon like pancakes whenever you feel like it. Touch bacon really quickly with finger – if it feels scratchy, stop cooking it. Wring out greasy bacon meat over paper towels. Wash skillet.
***
Recipe: Preheat broiler. Lightly oil a 17- by 12-inch shallow baking pan.
My interpretation: Pour oil (olive? vegetable? motor?) in a pan. Then dump most of it out. What’s a broiler?
***
Recipe: Toss together asparagus, oil, and a pinch of salt in a large bowl.
My interpretation: Put asparagus, oil (again, what kind of oil are we talking about here??) and several grains of salt in a bowl and kind of throw it around a little bit.
***
Recipe: Fluff couscous with a fork.
My interpretation: Stab couscous with a fork a few times. Check for fluffiness. This is stupid.
***
Basically, I have no patience for this lofty language of the kitchen. All I want to do is take something frozen and put it in the oven or microwave. And if I can skip that step? Even better.
Image from Houndstooth NY
Well folks, there’s a lot going on with me this week. Sadly, writing blog posts will probably not be one of them.
But I didn’t want to ignore you completely, so I decided to post this photo to tide you over and because I always have time for things that make me laugh.
Ok, I know, a photo of my lovely sister on a beach in South Padre Island is not funny. No Shannon, that was not meant to be an insult. You look beautiful. But here’s the full photo:
I love this horse.
My sister posted this photo on Facebook last week, and I’ve looked at it about 10 times since then. I’m sure she appreciates me sharing it with all of you. (Hey, if you put on Facebook, it’s fair game!)
The best part? The name of Shannon’s radiant equine companion is… Spanky.
Spanky. That’s perfect.
And according to my brother-in-law’s Facebook comment, Spanky was “special.” Either that, or just in urgent need of the heimlich maneuver.
Kind of reminds me of another “special” someone in my life who enjoys inserting his tongue into otherwise perfectly decent photos:
Aww, love you Spanky!
I’m in a list-making mood today. I’m also tired and a little giddy for whatever reason. Put those two things together and we get this:
A list of things that inexplicably make me laugh:
1. Men who wear necklaces.
2. Almost all sportscasters, especially the ones on the radio, and not when they’re actually trying to be funny.
3. Tyra Banks.
4. This video.
I know most people are probably slightly amused by this, but for some reason, I seem to find it funnier than anyone else does. This is what I think of when I go to my happy place – an innocent child with extremely poor depth perception skidding across an unforgiving concrete pool deck. I’m sick.
5. Bolo ties.
6. That one Christmas song about the boy buying shoes for his dying mother. Come on, it’s just so obviously trying to get you to cry! So I refuse, and do the opposite.
7. Roller coasters. That sinking feeling you get in your stomach during the huge drops literally tickles me.
8. Handmade puffy paint shirts.
9. Miniature ponies
10. Casseroles. Why? I don’t know. It’s just that when someone tells me they’re going to make a casserole, I laugh.
11. Children in harnesses.
12. Poetry slams.
13. Meerkats. And sloths.
14. People who go on passionate rants about causes or political issues in Facebook status updates or blog comments.
15. The BP oil spill. (Just kidding! I wanted to see if you were paying attention. Also, I’m hoping for someone to start ranting in the comments section so I can get a chuckle.)
16. The word “nosegay.”
17. Women at the gym who don’t put their hair up when they work out.
18. Mall walkers. Especially the ones who carry weights.
19. David Hasselhoff.
20. Precious Moments figurines.
What are some random weird things that make you laugh? Share! I’ll probably crack up at anything at this point.
I’m really glad I came up with this “Brain Lottery” concept. It strings together my unrelated, incoherent, random thoughts of the moment and makes them seem a little less unrelated, incoherent and random. Thus, I come across as slightly less scatterbrained and insane, and hopefully you won’t be afraid of me and my blog.
Or you will just keep reading because we all know it’s hard to turn away from a trainwreck. Either way, I’ll take it!
Here are some of the lottery ball-like thoughts that are currently ricocheting off the walls of my fragile psyche:
1. Ok I get that LOST was awesome and it blew your mind and was a little more intellectually stimulating than, say, America’s Next Top Model and now it’s over and there’s a hole in your life where curious musings about some mysterious “hatch” used to be. BUT CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ALREADY? This is purely a selfish request. It’s my fault I stopped watching the show half-way through the very first season, I know. But I feel like we’re all in 2nd grade and everyone except for me got invited to this totally awesome birthday party at a rich kid’s house where they had a jumpy house and a petting zoo. And now everyone is talking about it and I’m all like “hey, it’s cool, I had better things to do anyway” but really I’m jealous and I feel really left out, ok? I felt the same way after the Grey’s Anatomy season finale aired last week. I had to stop watching that show when Christina got impaled by a falling icicle – I’m sorry. There was just too much blood and ridiculousness going on. It was like a combination of E.R. and Kill Bill, and I did not sign up for that. Whatever. I’ll take my Real Housewives and Bachelorette (season premiere is tonight people!!) and go sulk in the corner.
2. Since that first random thought was a bit lengthy, I feel like this one should be really short.
3. One conflict that I’ve had to deal with my entire life is that I love trail mix but I hate raisins. FACT: There are always raisins in trail mix. FACT: I’m too lazy to make my own trail mix. I discovered mymixednuts.com and suddenly I was freed from the reign of terror imposed by all those unwelcome raisins! I spent $15 to design my own trail mix using carefully chosen ingredients. OF COURSE Reese’s Pieces (the best bite-sized treat with a hard candy shell in the world) was one of them. I received my trail mix (named Crazy Crunchy Cool. By me.) in the mail last week and proceeded to pick out all of the Reese’s Pieces. (And also the dried pineapple – that’s good stuff!) So now I have a bag full of almonds and coconut shavings. Blah. Trail mix, we’re done. (Reese’s Pieces – call me!)
4. When people see me putting gas in my car, they probably think I’m super prissy and dainty. Not because of the pink gingham housedress with crinoline and white satin gloves I usually wear whenever I get gas, but because I always unscrew the gas cap and hold the nozzle with the very tips of my fingers so I don’t get gas on my hands. Because nothing is worse than not having a place to wash your hands and smelling like gasoline all day (after the first few seconds when it is actually somewhat pleasant). Yes, I have dropped the nozzle before, and yes I got gas all over my shoes. That was a bad day.
5. Justin Bieber has a song on the radio (I could gripe about that mere fact alone, but I’ll refrain) in which he laments about having “an eenie meenie miney moe lover.” I’m pretty sure Justin Bieber is about 6 years old. The eenie meenie miney moe part makes sense, but isn’t he a bit too young to have a lover? Ok, maybe in actuality he is 16 (I just looked it up), but as long as he insists on wearing his hair like that and looking like a 6-year-old, I will treat him like a 6-year-old! Also Justin, I wouldn’t walk around using the word lover willy-nilly. It makes most people throw up in their mouths a little and also reminds me of this classic SNL skit. Not sure if that’s the image you’re looking to portray.
…AND I’m spent!
Worky work, busy bee! That’s me today. I’m trying to get a bunch of stuff done (including this blog post over my lunch break) because I’m going to be out of commission for the rest of the week.
I don’t know about you, but I love it when “out of commission” means going on vacation and not having surgery.
Twenty-four hours from now, I hope to be relaxing on the beach, drinking a mojito, and hopefully not worrying that my spray tan looks uneven. Oh the joys of being naturally un-tannable.
So, since my mind is full of everything I have to do and racing at about 100 mph right now (I know, I’m a reckless thinker!), I’ve decided to just compile a quick list of random thoughts. It’s the Carlie Crash Lottery. Think of my brain as the clear plastic lottery ball holder thingy and the thoughts as the numbered ping pong balls. Who knows what’s going to pop up?? My mind is like a box of chocolates. Enjoy.
Random Thoughts
1. I’ve discovered that it is my fate to never run out of lotion at work. For the past 5 years, I’ve always kept one of those mini bottles of Bath & Body Works lotion at my desk. The crazy thing? I haven’t purchased a single one of them myself. They’ve all been given to me. Every time I’m almost out of one, I receive another one as a gift. Example: I literally had about 2 squirts left in my current mini bottle on Friday. On Saturday, I went to a baby shower. The favors? Mini lotions. It’s weird. And convenient. Thank you, God of Mini Lotions. I am truly blessed.
2. Do you know someone who always walks on their tiptoes? I do. Well, I don’t really know her but I see her at my office all time. I’m sure she’s a very nice person, but I’m concerned for the welfare of her feet. She always walks on her tiptoes! Kind of like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Maybe she feels that heels are overrated. Maybe she’s right. But I doubt it.
3. My dog was making some really weird noises this morning. He gets a little anxious when he can tell I’m about to leave for work. Not because he’s going to miss me, but because I always give him a treat. This morning, the agony of suspense really got to him. It was like he was growling, barking and crying all at the same time. It actually sounded like he was trying to form words. What’s the deal Gatsby? You know I don’t speak Spanish.
4. Sometimes I’ll do something and I’ll think to myself, “that is so Raven.”
Ok, that random thought is actually courtesy of Zach Galifianakis on SNL, but I just thought of it and it amused me.
5. I love putting up my email out-of-office message at work. It’s like telling everyone who wants me to do something to “talk to the hand.”
Ok, that’s it. My brain is fried. I need a nap. Or a vacation. I’ll take the latter!
PEACE.
They say when the weather gets warmer, all the crazies come out. Yesterday, it was 72 degrees and sunny in St. Louis, and I’m now convinced that this theory may hold some water.
Apparently three months of below-normal winter temps and general bleakness have turned us all into depressed, gray, withering Smigel/Gollum-like creatures who crawl out of the woodwork at the hint of a warm breeze or ray of sunshine.
Everyone and their mom (including myself) was in a good mood yesterday and looking for an excuse to get outside. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, but come on people, let’s get a hold of ourselves! You can lay out in a bikini top in Forest Park all you want, but you are NOT going to get a tan at 5:00 pm on March 10 in St. Louis. It’s just nature.
Yes, spring fever season is upon us. Those of us who aren’t lucky enough to get a vaccination (aka, escape for a week to somewhere tropical during the winter months to temper the warm weather craving) are extremely susceptible to oftentimes irrational behavior. The fresh air makes us high as a kite.
If you experience any of the following symptoms, fear not – you will be instantly cured when the temperatures inevitably plunge and the icy hand of cruel winter bitch slaps you across the face. It’s March. Let’s face it, snow is still not out of the question.
10 Signs You Have Spring Fever
1. You decide to go running. You don’t normally exercise. You make it half way down the block.
2. You break out the flip flops. Forget that you don’t have a pedicure and your feet are the color and texture of drywall – these toes need to breathe!
3. You are that girl who I actually saw in Forest Park in a bikini top yesterday. She had apparently contracted a very acute case of spring fever, and I’m not sure there’s any hope for her. Ever. In life.
4. You take your dog for an extra long walk. If you don’t have a dog, you try it with the cat. If you don’t have any pets, you borrow a neighbor’s animal so you can take it for a walk. That’s just what people do in warm weather.
5. You make a special trip to the grocery store to get ground beef, hamburger buns and charcoal so you can bust out the grill. Sadly, many of those hamburger buns will succumb to mold before it’s warm enough to use them again.
6. You drive with the windows down, even on the highway. Warm air is so worth the harsh wind and hair in your mouth and eyes and the jarring sound of speeding semi-trucks.
7. You go to Dairy Queen. Nothing screams ice cream like 68 degrees. If this was July, you’d be drinking hot chocolate.
8. You go out for lunch just so you can get out of the office to enjoy the nice weather. Warm days like this don’t come around too often! Wait – yes they do. It’s called summer, and it lasts three months.
9. You go to happy hour at any bar you can find with an open outdoor patio. At least the alcohol will help keep you warm when the sun goes down and it’s 55 degrees and you’re outside in short sleeves.
10. The 5-day forecast on the 10:00 news sends you spiraling into a deep depression. A high of 45 degrees tomorrow???
Carlie Crash 