It’s funny to me, ok?

Posted on July 27, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

I’m in a list-making mood today. I’m also tired and a little giddy for whatever reason. Put those two things together and we get this:

A list of things that inexplicably make me laugh:

1. Men who wear necklaces.

2. Almost all sportscasters, especially the ones on the radio, and not when they’re actually trying to be funny.

3. Tyra Banks.

4. This video.

I know most people are probably slightly amused by this, but for some reason, I seem to find it funnier than anyone else does. This is what I think of when I go to my happy place – an innocent child with extremely poor depth perception skidding across an unforgiving concrete pool deck. I’m sick.

5. Bolo ties.

6. That one Christmas song about the boy buying shoes for his dying mother. Come on, it’s just so obviously trying to get you to cry! So I refuse, and do the opposite.

7. Roller coasters. That sinking feeling you get in your stomach during the huge drops literally tickles me.

8. Handmade puffy paint shirts.

9. Miniature ponies

10. Casseroles. Why? I don’t know. It’s just that when someone tells me they’re going to make a casserole, I laugh.

11. Children in harnesses.

12. Poetry slams.

13. Meerkats. And sloths.

14. People who go on passionate rants about causes or political issues in Facebook status updates or blog comments.

15. The BP oil spill. (Just kidding! I wanted to see if you were paying attention. Also, I’m hoping for someone to start ranting in the comments section so I can get a chuckle.)

16. The word “nosegay.”

17. Women at the gym who don’t put their hair up when they work out.

18. Mall walkers. Especially the ones who carry weights.

19. David Hasselhoff.

20. Precious Moments figurines.

What are some random weird things that make you laugh? Share! I’ll probably crack up at anything at this point.

Dress you up in my love (of cute tiny clothes)

Posted on July 21, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Is it wrong that what excites me the most about eventually having a baby is dressing it up in cute little clothes?

Obviously, girl clothes are way more fun than boy clothes, so I’m picturing my future first child as a girl.

Which means it will probably be a boy.

But at least then Will can have fun scouring the baby clothes racks for tiny tuxedos and pocket squares or a mini Mad Men-esque suit and skinny tie. (Seriously, that would not be beyond him. I promise I’ll draw the line if he tries to hand our baby a glass of scotch.)

As much fun as Will would have with a dapper Don Draper drool-monster, I almost have to suppress a squeal at the thought of buying miniature dresses with polka dots, bows, frills or any combination of the above. Also, did you know they make baby high heels now?

Once upon a time, I spent an afternoon dressing up Sindy, our loveable (and very, very patient) family dog in different outfits representing every month of the year so I could make a Sindy for All Seasons calendar. I’m not above doing the same thing to my daughter. I’m picturing it now…anyone know if they make baby-sized scuba gear? No?

Now I’m not a fashionista by any means, but I did take the plunge and purchase a “romper” (on sale!) yesterday. You know, for all the romping I plan to do the rest of this summer.

How cute would matching mother-daughter rompers be? You see where I’m going with this?? It would be totally worth any psychological issues my kid would develop from the pressure of being molded into a mini me. Sometimes there’s a high price for fashion (aka, whatever the going rate is for a child psychologist).

Of course, if I do have a daughter someday and insist on adorning her in the height of baby fashion, she’ll probably rebel and become a tomboy. My parents’ poor judgment in their choice of footwear for me as a little girl had a similar effect – I have since developed an intense aversion to navy blue boy shoes. With Velcro. But I guess that’s a good thing.

Let’s go surfin’ now!

Posted on July 16, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

On the internet!

Were you thinking the ocean? Are you kidding me!? Um hello, there’s sharks out there!

But this post isn’t about my intense fear of sharks, which some may say is irrational. (If it’s irrational to be scared to go in the deep end of the pool as a kid because maybe somehow a baby shark could have swam (swum?) through the filter and has now grown into a monster shark and it’s hungry and I look the most like a seal out of any of my friends, then fine. Guilty as charged.)

No, this is just a quick post to share some fun links with you that I’ve come across in my internet travels.

Plus, no one likes to actually work on Fridays, so maybe this can entertain you while you wait for 5:00.

I love this illustration I came across on designworklife so much that I printed it out this morning and hung it up on my cube wall. I’d rather have a window to gaze at (in a sweet private office!), but this will do for now.

I also love looking at this. In a very different way.

Two weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friend Stacey’s baby Tyler. (Stacey and other people were there too, don’t worry. I was NOT left unsupervised with a baby, for the sake of everyone’s safety.) I even held his hand. Then I read this article about how most parents hate their lives. 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I know you’re at your computer (or fancy pants smart phone) right now. Why not mosey on over to the ZYNC American Express MTV TJ Facebook page and vote for my girl Danielle to be the new MTV TJ? While you’re at it, follow her on Twitter and read her blog too.

Apparently, we have finally reached The End of Men. Sorry, boys. All the muscle and brawn in the world was no match for emotional intelligence and a uterus.

I’m getting a haircut on Monday and I kind of want bangs like this. Thoughts?

Look! I made another website about my favorite subject: me! It’s still a work in progress…

I can relate to this little guy this morning.

Happy Friday!

15 Things I’ve learned from watching The Hills

Posted on July 14, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

I (and the rest of America it seems) have had a love/hate relationship with The Hills.

I love the pretty clothes, the pretty boys, the glamorized SoCal lifestyle, and the fact that the conversations between Audrina and Justin Bobby make me feel really smart and glad that I didn’t do a lot of drugs in college.

I hate the forced plotlines, the fake jobs, the fake hair, and the shame I feel for actually watching the show. Oh, the shame.

But I like to consider myself a “student of life,” and my life these days includes a lot of really dumb reality shows like The Hills. So in light of the series finale last night (and the extra half hour I’ll have every week to do something more productive like work on my novel – HA!) here are some things that I actually learned from watching this show over the past four years.

1. It’s always sunny in L.A. Always. (Feal the rain on your skin? What rain, Natasha Bedingfield??)

2. If you like clothes, go to fashion school and interview very, very poorly, amazing jobs at Teen Vogue and People’s Revolution will fall into your lap like rain from the sky.

3. Plastic surgery and Spencer Pratts destroy families.

Scary!!!

4. If you want to keep your best friend, don’t start dating her arch nemesis and then convince your other friend and the guy your BFF is casually dating to hook up. Very bad things will happen and you will find yourself in a club with your ex-BFF in your face screaming “You know what you did!”

5. Anything Heidi Montag does, do the exact opposite. That girl sticks to bad decisions like white on rice.

6. Alleged sex tapes should always be alluded to but never directly discussed.

7. Everyone in L.A. has slept with, gotten drunk with, publicly fought with, or broken into the house of everyone else.

8. The transition from reality TV star to movie star just does not happen (I’m looking at you, Audrina).

9. Wear heels. At all times.

10. People in L.A. spend the majority of their time meeting people at nice, sunny outdoor restaurants so they can “talk.”

11. Staring blankly at someone from across a dimly lit table can be interpreted as aggressive, seductive, sad or amused depending on the top 40 pop song playing in the background.

12. When a reality show is failing, bringing in a “new” girl who is bitchy and swears a lot will surprisingly only make the show worse.

13. If you date Brody Jenner, he will break your heart, then become your best friend.

14. Enzo the neighbor boy will be in the market for a good child psychologist after his parents pawned him off on a vapid human Barbie doll and a rage-infested sociopath who didn’t really like him anyway.

15. When a ship is sinking – jump off! (Nicely done, LC and Whitney.)

Oh Lauren, Heidi, Spencer, Audrina, Brody, Stephanie, Kristen, Lo, Justin Bobby, and Stacie the Bartender…I hate you! I love you! I hate how much I love you!

And I salute you all as you fade into ex-reality show star obscurity.

A Bagelful of disappointment

Posted on July 9, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

It’s a Code Red microwaveable breakfast food emergency in the Bliss family household. My mother’s favorite variety of Bagelfuls (the plain kind with just cream cheese – no fruit!) has been tragically discontinued.

After scouring bagelfuls.com for information and completing a mission to all frozen food vendors within a 20-mile radius of her house to collect every stray box of the now extinct morning pastry, my mom has resigned herself to eating her few remaining cream cheese-only Bagelfuls with a look on her face not unsimilar to this:

And that’s after she plays taps on her bugle, shoots a 3-volley rifle salute, and orchestrates a “missing man” aerial formation.

So much for me sleeping in on my “vacation.”

I’m still alive!

Posted on July 8, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

In case you were wondering.

I’m on vacation. In Wheaton, IL.

If you asked me when I was growing up in the 90’s if I ever thought I’d go on vacation to my own hometown of Wheaton, I would have said, “As if, dude! Wheaton is wack. Duh. Eat my shorts! I’m going to go get jiggy with it.”

And yet, here I am. I took off work for a whole week and I’m doing touristy things like boat rides on Lake Geneva, tours of Frank Lloyd Wright houses, and eating copious amounts of ice cream. So yes, I’m on vacation.

I’ve managed to stay away from a computer screen until now (my phone is another story), but I just wanted you to know that you miss me.

You probably haven’t given this blog a second thought since my blog post about not having time to write a blog post, but now that I’ve popped up in your Google Reader, you’ve realized how much you’ve missed me this week.

And that is a LOT. Right??? Right.

Oh, stop crying. I’ll be back to normal life and my regular posting schedule (not sure what that is) next week. In the meantime, I may put up a few mini posts to keep you entertained. And maybe you can work on being less demanding.

Just kidding! I love you. No, I lurve you. Have fun at work this week. (suckas…!)

Welcome to Wheaton.

No time! There’s never any time!

Posted on June 29, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Thinking about writing a blog post this week makes me feel a little bit like this:

I haven’t turned to caffeine pills (yet) and there’s no crying or frantic, spastic singing occurring (yet), but on the inside I’m having a meltdown a la Jessie Spano.

No time! There’s never any time!

Ok, I don’t think Jessie actually says that in the clip above (although I can’t be sure – I’m doing a quick lunchtime post at work and forgot my headphones), but I feel pretty confident that everyone I know or care to associate with will recognize that those lines come from the same glorious episode of Saved By the Bell (in which having “no time” basically transforms Slater’s “Mama” into a rabid singing dog with a black scrunchie bow in its hair, the massive proportions of which does nothing to conceal the fact that said hair will be in deep trouble should a brush fire occur in the near vicinity).

Long story short, this is my way of admitting that I have approximately zero minutes of free time to blog or do anyting this week and I’m a bit stressed. You may be wondering why someone so short on time would choose to express this in such a long-winded fashion? I don’t know! This is exactly how I get into these predicaments – I do it to myself! I am the problem!

I need a therapist – maybe we can figure out some way to pin these issues on my dad.

If you see another blog post from me this week, it means I actually got my shit together.

If not…pray for me…

Now entering Phase IV of Post-College Life

Posted on June 23, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

So far, this has been the most relaxing summer I’ve had in a long time. Last weekend I read my book (Commencement by J. Courtney Sullivan – pretty good chick lit summer book), watched some HGTV, tried streaming Netflix through Wii for the first time (and ended up watching a few episodes of the first season of Laguna Beach, as if I needed to prove to myself how pathetic I really am), and actually got to the point where I was a little bit bored.

I was forced to make pina coladas on Sunday night just to spice things up a bit.

It was wonderful.

Then it hit me. The reason why this summer is much less busy than any other summer in recent memory is the staggering lack of weddings and wedding-related events. And that is a result of this:

We have now entered Phase IV of Post-College Life.

Here’s a rundown of the Phases of Post-College Life, in case you’re not familiar with them (which is likely since I pretty much just made them up in my head about 2 seconds ago):

Phase I: You recently graduated from college and have begun the job search. This basically means that you and your friends are all living with your parents, going out every night, and checking out online job postings during the day whenever Mom is around so she won’t feel like you’re taking the free food and laundry service for granted. This phase can last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years. (If you remain in this phase longer than two years, you are dropped from the Phases of Life for Normal People and enter the downward spiral to Loserville. Sadly, only a decently-paying job can save you now.)

Phase I

Phase II: You found a job! Or got into grad school! You move out of your parents’ house…eventually. (There is no shame in taking advantage of the free room and board until the 2 years before the downward spiral to Loserville expire.) And now you and your friends are busy working, going to happy hour, and hitting up the singles scene on the weekends.

Phase II

Phase III: Ahh, love. People are coupling off left and right. There are engagements, marriages, and commitments to same-sex partners. And you spend the months of April – October attending weddings, showers, and bachelorette parties like it’s your job. Much of your salary goes toward gifts, bridesmaid dresses and flights. But the open bars and regular opportunities to get all of your friends together are totally worth it. This is the phase I thought I was in…until recently.

Phase III

Phase IV: Here’s where I am. The deluge of weddings/commitments/”we’re moving in together” parties have slowed to a mere trickle. A majority of your friends have adopted the “we-speak” and are officially part of a couple. Then come the pregnancies, baby showers and actual babies. And here’s the cruel reality of life: the one BAD thing from the previous phase follows you into this phase – shower games. Except now instead of making wedding dresses out of toilet paper, you’re sniffing little turds of melted chocolate candy bars in diapers. So yes, it gets worse.

Phase IV

After that point, you enter the Phases of Family Life. This bores me, so I will not be discussing it here.

Here’s proof that I have officially entered Phase IV of Post-College Life:

2006: 7 weddings; 0 friends with babies

2007: 9 weddings (including my own!); 0 friends with babies

2008: 7 weddings; 2 friends with babies

2009: 8 weddings; 3 friends with babies

2010: 4 weddings; 6 friends with babies (and 3 on the way)

The tide is rapidly turning in favor of the babies!

(Coming up with that count is 20 minutes of my life that I will never get back – but it’s kind of interesting, no?)

I’ll definitely miss the parties, free booze and chance to see all of our friends together on a regular basis. But if it means more relaxing and reading my book on the front porch with pina colada in hand…then welcome, Phase IV! I think I’ll be kicking back and enjoying this phase (and other people’s babies) for awhile.

Chateau Irwin…in my dreams

Posted on June 17, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Man, I am so over renting. Our shower rod has turned into a big stick of rust, only half of our windows open, the lady above us wears bricks for shoes, I’m forced to squish all my clothes into HALF of a closet, and there’s not much I can do about any of it.

We would have bought our own place by now, but due to life circumstances (not bad ones – don’t worry!), that hasn’t been the best option for us.

The bad news: it might possibly be another couple of years before we actually buy a place.

The good news: we’ll have one heck of a down payment saved up by then!

So for now, I’m stuck daydreaming about decorating and homeownership and living vicariously through the people on HGTV.

As if I felt the need to prove to you how much of my free time is spent thinking about our future dwelling, I’ve put together a nice little dream house in my mind inspired by photos from fun blogs and websites like Apartmenttherapy, Coco & Kelly, Destined to Design, and Dress Design Décor.

I know, I need a hobby. Another hobby.

Anyway, since I can’t invite all of you over to my current home (yes, I have enough readers that trying to fit them into our five-room apartment would most definitely be a fire hazard – yay me!), I’d like to invite you to my future dream home.

Welcome to Chateau Irwin. Come on in and stay awhile…

(and please take off your shoes unless you want to wear those dorky model home booties)

For some reason, I’ve always imagined myself living in an urban townhouse. I don’t know how practical that will be for family life and having kids (nor do I care right now!), but I expect I will find out.

Ahh…the living room…

It is in this bright and airy space that you will find me eating ice cream, watching reality TV (yes, there’s a TV in there somewhere…maybe hidden behind that painting), taking naps, and practicing general slothfulness. And loving those striped shades.

Turn the corner and we have…

The dining room. I want to marry those floor-to-ceiling windows and have like ten thousand of their babies.

Moving on…

My office!

So fun and cheery! Like me! Sometimes.

Here’s where I get my creative juices flowing and slave for hours over this damn blog because I know my mom readers would be sorely disappointed if I ever stopped writing new posts.

And now…

The kitchen. Where we eat pizza and takeout while I gaze fondly at all of the pretty cookware I bought and have no idea how to use, but boy does it look great in those glass cabinets.

Don’t look now, but we’re about to enter my favorite part of the house…

The deck! I pretty much live out here as long as the weather and the endurance of my citronella candles cooperate.

And when I want to relax inside and wash off the layers of bug spray (I swear, I must be a veritable mosquito buffet, complete with unlimited bloody marys…get it??), I hit up this awesome bathtub.

Yes, I live in an urban townhouse with that view, ok? This is MY dream.

Here’s the rest of the bathroom, where I like to daintily powder my nose.

Will loves the chandeliers.

And now, where all the magic happens…

Sorry, I had to throw that Cribs reference in there. Pretty kick-ass boudoir, no?

Welp, that’s the end of the tour! I hope you enjoyed your stay. Now get out. I’m going to go take a bath. Jealous?

At least I don’t have him as my Facebook profile picture

Posted on June 13, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

No, Will and I don’t have any biological human children, but we are the proud owners of one lil’ mister Gatsby Irwin, also known as our psuedo-child or The Cutest Dog in the World.

I may be wearing the rose-colored glasses of a proud “parent,” but Gatsby is 5 pounds of pure fun and entertainment. And here’s proof:

Most normal dogs I know devour their food in a matter of seconds without even bothering to chew half of it, but Gatsby likes to make it interesting. He eats each piece of dry dog food individually, after throwing it up in the air and stalking it as if our kitchen is the vast wild outdoors and the piece of food is an unfortunate field mouse. Check it out.