“Merry Christmas, everyone!!”
And
“Please don’t make me wear my Christmas sweater…!”
Lucky for him, his Christmas sweater is packed away and my search for a cute red doggie bow-tie at PetSmart last weekend proved to be futile.
Hope the last week of 2010 is a good one! I’ll be back in the new year.
PEACE [on Earth]. I’m out.
While living with my parents this past month, I’ve found several things to amuse myself.
1. Since the P’s have the premium cable package from U-verse, I’ve been able to watch Boardwalk Empire on-demand. Love.
2. My completely clueless mother. Who says things like this:
Mom: Can you proofread my Christmas letter? I’ve spent the past 3 hours typing it up on the computer but haven’t saved it yet because I wanted you to read it first.
Me: ??? !!!
~
Mom: Eminem is white!?
Me: ??? !!!
~
Mom: (every time I get a notification on my phone): Is that one of those crazy tweets?
Me: No. You’re a crazy tweet.
~
3. Because my parents never throw anything away, I’ve been able to look back at everything I’ve ever written since I was about 4 years old. This has proven to be endlessly entertaining. Here are some examples (spelling errors not corrected):
My Famly
By: 2nd grade me
My family is very nice. I have four people in my family. Shannon, Mom, Dad and me.
Sometimes I get mad at my sister Shannon but I say sorry.
My mom is having her vains taken care of on her legs.
Sometimes she gets craby becose of that.
~
Excerpt from my “Beezus and Ramona Diary” circa 1989
Q: If I earned a million dollars, this is what I would do with it:
My answer: Make everyone in the whole wold rich and happy espeshly bums.
Q: The thing that made me laugh the hardest this year was:
My answer: When Shannon threw up.
~
Why Does It Always Have to Be Me?
A short story by 2nd grade me
Being the biggest sister is really hard. I can tell you that. When I want to do something in my room all by myself, up comes the big fat brat Shannon.
And she says, “Cowie, go and get me a graham cracker.” And I say, “No!”
And when she does something wrong, my mom always blames it on me.
When I play with a friend, she has to play too. There are so many things that are bad about being the big sister.
Shannon is annoying too. And she’s only in four-year-old preschool. So I’m three years older than her.
And last night I asked my mom if I could stay up later than her. And she said, “No!” And my bed time is 8:00 and that’s early.
But sometimes I like being the oldest because I get to boss Shannon around.
~
When We Moved to Wheaton
By: 1st grade me
When we moved to Wheaton I was crying my eyes out. Becouse my best friend still lived at Carol Stream.
When we got to the new house I met a girl named Debbie, and a girl named Emma, and a girl named Elana and a boy named Mikel.
Me and Debbie our good firends becase Emma moved and Mikel and Elana well we just don’t see them very much.
The pepole that moved into the house that Emma had lived in are very nice.
Ther names are Linda and John. Linda is almost eleven so is Debbie.
Thay thingk I’m pretty cute. I think I am too not to brag or anything but I do.
~
Poem #1
By: 1st grade me
I have a little firend that lives in my house.
For she is a little mouse.
She eats chease all day and night.
She eats chease when the sun is bright.
The mouse is realy my sister.
~
Poem #2
By: 1st grade me
Cats cats ther such brats.
They chase those awful durdy rats.
And evry day they purr purr purr
And all ways scater furr furr furr.
But somtims I like those cats you see
Becose sometims thay like me.
~
Poem #3
By: 1st grade me
Some times I like my sister
And sometims I don’t.
She crys and crys and crys
And she allmost pops out her eyes.
Sometimes I get so mad I cry to dad.
Then I punch her.
~
Little Burnt-Face
By: 3rd grade me
Once upon a time ther lived a man with his three daghters.
The yongest one was nice and sweet. But whe ther father went hunting her sisters would burn her face and make scars.
And she got in trouble. And that is how she got her name Little Burnt Face.
One day the chife who was invisaball said that if a girl could see him she would merry him.
The chief’s sisster could only see him.
Evreyone tried to see him but they could not.
When it was Little Burnt-Faces turn she could see him very well and tolled what she saw.
The cheif’s sisster washed her scars of in in the dew.
And then she merrirred the chief and they lived happly ever after.
~
Ok, that last one was a little disturbing. It took me four times to finally spell the word “chief” correctly??
Pathetic.
It’s official. Winter is upon us.
And before you push your duct-taped glasses up on your nose and get all nerdy on me and insist that the above sentence is misleading and uninformed and completely false because the winter solstice has technically not occurred yet, I will say this to you: I do not care.
Winter solstice be damned, everything about the weather outside is categorically winter-y. Wind. Freezing temps. Runny noses. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Snow. Ice.
Ice.
🙂 🙂 🙂
<That’s me grinning mischievously and rubbing my hands together in evil delight.>
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love ice, by any means. It’s just that I love watching people fall down (as long as they don’t get hurt), and ice is very good at making that happen.
If you’re asking yourself, “Is this post just about how much Carlie loves to watch people slipping on ice?” then I will answer that question right now: Yes. It is.
So if this topic bores you, save yourself some time and go check your email or something.
Now back to people falling. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Nothing puts a smile on my face and makes me involuntarily laugh out loud like wildly flailing limbs, terror-struck faces and innocent backsides meeting with the cold, harsh reality of frozen concrete.
It truly warms my heart, even on the most frigid of winter days.
Don’t make me feel bad, I know I’m not the only one who finds humor in unsuspecting individuals suddenly biting it. Hard. <heehee>
In fact, this YouTube video of a parade of people being dominated by a single patch of ice in Madison, WI inspired me to write this post and was posted on Facebook by my friend Kelly (What up, Kelly!!?). She gets a shout-out because she reads this blog. Or at least that’s what she tells me…
But I have to admit, watching a video of people falling on ice is a lot more fun than actually witnessing someone fall down right in front of me. I guess that’s because I know the people in the video aren’t hurt and I’m also not obligated to inquire whether the person is ok while pretending not to notice their flustered embarrassment. Awkward.
Also, let’s be clear – people falling on ice is only funny when it happens to other people – not me.
With those disclaimers out of the way, let’s get back to the endlessly entertaining sight of a complete stranger who is at the mercy of frozen liquid and gravity.
Why is it so funny? I don’t really know, but I do know that it’s even more entertaining when the person is carrying something. Like a wedding cake. Or a very large open can of neon green paint. (Hey, it could happen…a girl can dream, right!?)
And the aftermath is almost as funny as the fall itself. It always goes down the same: The stunned silence. The sinking in of the realization that yes, they are still alive. The casual, yet furtive glances in every direction to assess who, if anyone, saw the fall. The embarrassment. The slow and careful rise to their feet (and if we’re lucky, sometimes they fall again!). Then finally, the brushing off of the rear end and quick exit from the scene.
Comic gold.
If that description doesn’t make you smile just a little bit, then I’m actually not a very good writer, or you have no sense of humor. And let’s be honest…one of those statements is just ridiculous.
So all I’m saying is that if you want to make the world a happier place, cover the soles of your shoes with teflon, grab a cup of coffee with no lid and go run around on an icy sidewalk.*
*But you may want to wear some padding or something because, again – I do not enjoy people getting hurt. I’m not that evil.
So obviously I haven’t been writing too many blog posts lately. I warned you this might happen.
My life has suddenly become a whirlwind of:
wake up at the crack of dawn. shower. train. bundle up. walk to work. unbundle as fast as possible because walking briskly in a massive down coat, boots, gloves and a hat actually makes me HOT. check email. do work. go to a meeting. do work. go to a meeting. lunch. meeting. work. meeting. meeting. walk to train station. train. eat dinner. check craigslist for apartments. watch a TV show (if I’m lucky!). bed.
So not much room for writing in there.
Since I’m sure you’re thinking these exact words: “Oh no! Now that there’s very little new material on Carlie Crash these days, whatever shall I do with my free time?”
(p.s. You sound like a pansy.)
I thought I’d give you a list of things to do to occupy the time you would otherwise fill by pouring over the entrancing contents of this blog.
So please, don’t despair. Just think. Instead of fixating your lookin’ balls to the harsh glare of a computer screen, you could:
So there you go. And just as quickly and mysteriously as I appeared in your Facebook feed or Google Reader, I shall retire into the obscure abyss of the internet, leaving you to breathlessly await my return…
Happy almost-Thanksgiving!
I decided this post should be a list of things I’m thankful for.
Truly uncreative, I know, but at least I get points in the relevance category. And I get to make yet another list!
Side note: I’m going to leave off all of the obvious stuff like family, friends, health, blah blah blah…just assume that I’m very thankful for all of those wonderful things/people. I’m trying to make this a little more interesting for you.
10 Things for Which I am Thankful – 2010 edition
(and so far the only edition)
1. Uggs, scarves, hats, and hooded coats. All of these things help me to stay warm and alive during my walks between the train station and work every morning/night.
Here's me all bundled up. What's that you say? I look exactly like Leighton Meester, the talented, fresh-faced actress from Gossip Girl? Why, thank you!
2. Work. Or more specifically, my new job. I’ve actually enjoyed all of my previous jobs, but I’m finally in a position where I think my strengths and skills will be put to good use. Also, we have happy hours every Thursday and the company closes between Christmas and New Year’s. So that’s fun too.
3. The change of seasons. Because it means that winter in Chicago will eventually be over. Someday…
4. Champagne. Or prosecco. Or cava. Or whatever. I just love it all. Without it, my life would be a little less sparkling. (Bam! Pun intended!)
5. The fact that the rude gray hairs I recently found on my head could be easily and swiftly removed.
6. Trendy nail polish colors. They keep me from being bored and add a little prettiness to my warped, prematurely aging hands. (My hands really are kind of hideous when you look at them closely. Please don’t do this the next time you see me. Oh great! Now I’m going to be self-conscious.)
7. Gloves.
8. Cute, oversized mugs filled with coffee or green tea. Or hot chocolate. With peppermint Schnapps.
9. Modern Family. Real Housewives. How I Met Your Mother. Giuliana & Bill. 30 Rock. TV. In general. I’m just thankful for TV.
10. Blogs. Both because I love writing one and because I love reading what other people write. The weird thing is, I only just started paying attention to the “blogosphere” less than a year ago. I’ve even made some new blogger “friends.” And have apparently become a huge dork. Eh, oh well – so worth it.
And to wrap it all up, here’s the cheesy part! (Sorry, but being cheesy is unavoidable when discussing thankfulness.)
I’m also thankful for everyone who reads this blog! Without you, writing these posts would be pointless, delusional, and somewhat schizophrenic.
Dust off those gravy boats and electric carving knives! It’s turkey time!
P.S. I’m actually not a huge fan of turkey, so for me it’s mashed potatoes, cranberries, and pumpkin pie time! YUM.
So here I am in Chicago!
Actually, right now I’m in Wheaton, about 30 miles outside of Chicago.
That’s the problem.
I’m commuting to my new job downtown. Which is great! The job – not the commuting. And I can’t even imagine how much I’ll enjoy it once I figure out what the heck I’m doing.
But back to the commuting: I am SO over it. My commute is almost an hour and a half one way. <cue the violins>
As I write this, it’s 7:47 on Wednesday night and I just got home. All I’ve had time to do so far tonight is eat the dinner that my mother lovingly prepared for me and put away the laundry that my mother lovingly washed and folded for me (ok, there are some perks to this situation).
I’ll be honest. All I want to do right now is have a glass of red wine and watch the episode of Glee that I didn’t have time to watch last night. It was good, right? I swear, at least 5 of my friends haved quoted it in their Facebook status.
But then there’s this blog. And the last thing I want to do is neglect it. I love this blog! Because who doesn’t love talking about themselves? Or more specifically, who doesn’t love talking about me?
Now that I’m done being self-absorbed (or at least talking about it), I’ll get to the point:
There’s a very good chance that instead of exploiting this blog to spout my pointless musings, I may very well not have the time to post much on it. Abuse and neglect – I’m a horrible blog parent. Please don’t call DBWS (Department of Blog and Writing Services) on me.
Ok, can you tell I’m tired? I’m not even sure that last paragraph made sense. And I don’t care.
But don’t worry, I really am going to try my best to continue to blog as much as possible. I just wanted to issue a preemptive apology in case I go through a few writing dry spells due to this inflexible time suck called a commute.
Also, this situation is temporary! We should have an apartment in the city by January. This fact alone is motivating me to board the train with the rest of my cattle herd companions every morning and night instead of throwing myself in front of it.
So that’s my update for now! Sorry for the negativity. With the exception of the commute and the fact that I miss my husband and my dog who are stuck in St. Louis, everything else is great! Really. I’m not being sarcastic. I’m super happy to be back in Chicago and actually excited to be at work everyday. I’m just not excited to go to work.
Ok, enough of this. Time for Glee!
Tomorrow is moving day!
I’m packing up the Stratus (and Will’s Honda) and moving on up to Chicago from St. Louis. I’ve been packing my stuff since Monday and am only about 1/4 of the way done. So today might suck a little.
As much as I’d love to keep procrastinating, I really don’t have much time, so I’ll provide you with some of my thoughts on this whole moving situation in the form of a numbered list. (I love lists. Oh, you want proof? Check it: here, here, here, and here.)
1. Everything about moving to Chicago is exciting and great, nay – GREAT!, except that Will and Gatsby can’t come with me right away. Major sad face. Will has to finish up his job in St. Louis (and subsequently find a new one in Chicago), so I’ll be husbandless and dogless and traveling back and forth between Chicago and St. Louis for the next month and a half. I’m officially in a long distance relationship. Ew. Thank God it will be holiday season or I might be seeking a subscription for Xanax right about now.
2. I’m moving in with my parents for the next month and a half. This is good because my parents love to spend time with me and do things for me (I’m spoiled). This is bad because my parents love to spend time with me and do things for me (I’m not 10 years old anymore). We’ll see how it goes. My major concern? I may need to cut down on some of the TV shows I watch because their DVR is full of crime dramas and weird Sci-Fi shows that my dad loves but I’ve never even heard of. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills might have to be put on hold. Oh man, now I really might need that Xanax…
3. I’m so excited to start my new job! SO excited. I’ll be working as an editor/copywriter for an ad agency downtown. Waaaaayyy cooler than working on nursing textbooks at a publishing company in the middle of nowhere across the street from a landfill.
4. I’m a bit nervous to start my new job. Mostly because I’ll probably have to take a bus from the train station to get there, and I don’t think I’ve ever ridden a bus in Chicago before. I’ve taken the El pretty much everywhere you can take it, but the bus and I have yet to be acquainted. I think I’m going to go downtown on Friday and ride it somewhere. For practice. I’m serious.
5. Ooh, here’s another thing I’m really excited about: I know people in Chicago! A lot of people! We have friends and family out the wazoo up there. If you want to hang out with me, you better get on the schedule now – my social calendar is filling up! (Actually, no. It’s not. The only plans I have so far is to see a play. With my parents.) But still. I’ll miss my friends in St. Louis and the family we have there, but it will be nice to be have a wide variety of friends hang out with. I tire of people easily. (That’s not true either – I just wanted to say that. It’s delightfully snobby.)
6. I got STUCK in a heavy winter coat at Nordstrom Rack the other day. Wait- this is related. I decided that I need to get one of those massive puffy down coats that make you feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters because people actually need to wear those things in Chicago. I’m cold just thinking about it. Anyway, I was out shopping and decided to try on an especially puffy and warm one last weekend. I hastily zipped it all the way up to my chin, checked myself out in the mirror, yelled out “Hey everyone, come see how good I look!” (ok, no, I didn’t do that), and when I went to remove the coat, the unthinkable happened. The zipper got stuck! Like MAJORLY stuck. As panic set in, I yanked, and twisted and pulled with all my might, but to no avail. I WAS TRAPPED IN A GIGANTIC FURNACE OF A COAT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED STORE ON A BALMY 75-DEGREE DAY!! More panicking. Once I became certain that I was in the beginning stages of heat stroke, I ran up to the nearest employee and pleaded for her help. Long story short, she couldn’t get it, her manager couldn’t get it, and I was rushed to the alterations department where they had to literally cut the coat open to free me from its hellish, sweaty grip. I’m still a little traumatized by the situation. And I now have an intense appreciation for buttons.
7. Packing is the worst. Just the worst. If you’ve ever moved, I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on this.
8. Even though I’ve been wanting to move back to Chicago pretty much since I decided to move to St. Louis, I’m actually going to miss this cute little city. It’s got some things going for it. There are 8 things in particular that I am especially going to miss, as evidenced by my recent Girls Guide post. (I love lists and shameless plugs!)
So those are my thoughts on moving at the moment. I think they can best be summed up with these words: Excited! Husbandless! Xanax! So excited! Nervous! HOT!
Moving day is tomorrow. My first day at the new job is Monday. I’ll let you know how it goes…
At the Halloween party we went to last Friday night, our friends Brandy and Derek set up a photo booth program on their computer and we became obsessed.
Here’s what happened:
My sincere apologies for the violence and blasphemy. But that’s what you get with costumes that include fake knives, bats and a bearded Baby Jesus.
So last Friday, we drove down to the cute little town of Hermann, MO with our friends Erin and Brent to partake in a weekend of revelry, merriment and general Oktoberfesting.
Hermann’s German roots are still alive and well and there’s a brewery and six different wineries within just a few miles of the downtown area. It was awesome.
I think the fun we had on our trip can best be expressed in a monologue from the 2006 major motion picture Beerfest. And also by the following photo montage:
Here we all are at dinner on Friday night. I think this was right after a very nice local man came up to us and asked if we wanted to buy some of his “Pro-Life” raffle tickets. The prize? A hunting rifle. Welcome to Hermann.
The next series of shots effectively depicts me getting annoyed at Will because he kept taking the picture before I was ready. He subsequently redeemed himself by finally getting a pretty decent shot of me and Erin.
We found this Oktoberfest hat at another bar we went to, so of course one of us had to put it on.
Turns out it belonged to our server and by the end of the night we had used our impressive skills of persuasion to convince her to give it to us. Did I mention that I was the only non-lawyer on this trip? But then we felt bad and decided to let her keep it.
Tin Mill is the local brewery in Hermann. I highly recommend their Oktoberfest. Although, I have yet to meet an Oktoberfest beer I didn’t like.
Can I tell you how annoying it is to type “Oktoberfest” so many times!? My fingers keep wanting to spell it with a “c” – the correct way. I think I’ve wasted about 10 minutes so far hitting the backspace key.
Moving on…
Here’s a shot of charming downtown Hermann.
The bed & breakfast we stayed at was in the top floor of the building on the far right.
This was our first B&B experience. Let’s just say it was…interesting.
Linda and Olan were our hosts. Linda was a nice woman and expert maker of French toast who made an effort to hide her look of disdain when the four of us showed up for breakfast hungover, unshowered and in our pajamas. Olan was a chatty fellow with conservative leanings and a penchant for leather vests. Our rooms were festooned with American flags and patriotic decor and we had to pray with everyone before we ate.
So pretty standard for small-town rural Missouri.
Before heading to the wineries on Saturday, we decided to check some of the antique shops downtown. Also, we had no idea where to find the winery trolley, so we were pretty much just wandering around aimlessly with nothing better to do.
The antique stores all smelled like the garbage bag full of my mom’s old toys that my grandma used to drag out of the basementwhenever we went to visit her and my grandpa when I was little. Also, they had some pretty cool stuff!
Here we are at the first winery.
“Look, lederhosen!”
I put that exclamation in quotes because I actually yelled that when I saw these guys. Well, I didn’t mean to yell it, but that building was very echo-y.
We drank a bottle of wine, walked up and down a big hill and listened to some polka music. All before noon.
After lunch, we hopped aboard the winery trolley (convenient, right??) and headed to our second stop: Stone Hill Winery.
Deciding on a bottle here was an intense process. It required many, many tastings. Many tastings.
Ohhh, this is why I don’t get carded anymore! Apparently people 7 years younger than me can now drink alcohol. Mere babies, I tell you.
After our tasting we bought a bottle and proceeded to take pictures of our heads on cardboard German people’s bodies, roll down hills, and jump around wildly. You know, the usual.
Our final stop was Oak Glenn winery.
It was a lot less thought-provoking than one my assume by looking at that picture.
The view was good, but the wine…well let’s just focus on the view.
The view!
The trolley ride back to town was good, if only for the fact that we made it back alive. It was standing room only, and I think Def Leppard was blaring on the speakers and some girl next to me told me that I should “grind up on that guy.” Grind. On a trolley. Who did she think I was, some contestant on The Bachelor??
Once we got back to town, we headed to our B&B to watch the Mizzou game and find out that it’s really hard to take naps on antique apholstered benches.
And that about sums up the trip!
So what is everyone being for Halloween?? I’m going as Audrey Hepburn a la Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Mooooooon riiiiiiiverrr…
THIS will soon be our home. Our sweet home, if you will.
I’m coming back, Chicago!!
More details later! (As you can imagine, I have a lot going on right now…)
Carlie Crash 
