Kids write the darndest things

While living with my parents this past month, I’ve found several things to amuse myself.

1. Since the P’s have the premium cable package from U-verse, I’ve been able to watch Boardwalk Empire on-demand. Love.

2. My completely clueless mother. Who says things like this:

Mom: Can you proofread my Christmas letter? I’ve spent the past 3 hours typing it up on the computer but haven’t saved it yet because I wanted you to read it first.

Me: ??? !!!

~

Mom: Eminem is white!?

Me: ??? !!!

~

Mom: (every time I get a notification on my phone): Is that one of those crazy tweets?

Me: No. You’re a crazy tweet.

~

3. Because my parents never throw anything away, I’ve been able to look back at everything I’ve ever written since I was about 4 years old. This has proven to be endlessly entertaining. Here are some examples (spelling errors not corrected):

My Famly

By: 2nd grade me

My family is very nice. I have four people in my family. Shannon, Mom, Dad and me.

Sometimes I get mad at my sister Shannon but I say sorry.

My mom is having her vains taken care of on her legs.

Sometimes she gets craby becose of that.

~

Excerpt from my “Beezus and Ramona Diary” circa 1989

Q: If I earned a million dollars, this is what I would do with it:

My answer: Make everyone in the whole wold rich and happy espeshly bums.

Q: The thing that made me laugh the hardest this year was:

My answer: When Shannon threw up.

~

Why Does It Always Have to Be Me?

A short story by 2nd grade me

Being the biggest sister is really hard. I can tell you that. When I want to do something in my room all by myself, up comes the big fat brat Shannon.

And she says, “Cowie, go and get me a graham cracker.” And I say, “No!”

And when she does something wrong, my mom always blames it on me.

When I play with a friend, she has to play too. There are so many things that are bad about being the big sister.

Shannon is annoying too. And she’s only in four-year-old preschool. So I’m three years older than her.

And last night I asked my mom if I could stay up later than her. And she said, “No!” And my bed time is 8:00 and that’s early.

But sometimes I like being the oldest because I get to boss Shannon around.

~

When We Moved to Wheaton

By: 1st grade me

When we moved to Wheaton I was crying my eyes out. Becouse my best friend still lived at Carol Stream.

When we got to the new house I met a girl named Debbie, and a girl named Emma, and a girl named Elana and a boy named Mikel.

Me and Debbie our good firends becase Emma moved and Mikel and Elana well we just don’t see them very much.

The pepole that moved into the house that Emma had lived in are very nice.

Ther names are Linda and John. Linda is almost eleven so is Debbie.

Thay thingk I’m pretty cute. I think I am too not to brag or anything but I do.

~

Poem #1

By: 1st grade me

I have a little firend that lives in my house.

For she is a little mouse.

She eats chease all day and night.

She eats chease when the sun is bright.

The mouse is realy my sister.

~

Poem #2

By: 1st grade me

Cats cats ther such brats.

They chase those awful durdy rats.

And evry day they purr purr purr

And all ways scater furr furr furr.

But somtims I like those cats you see

Becose sometims thay like me.

~

Poem #3

By: 1st grade me

Some times I like my sister

And sometims I don’t.

She crys and crys and crys

And she allmost pops out her eyes.

Sometimes I get so mad I cry to dad.

Then I punch her.

~

Little Burnt-Face

By: 3rd grade me

Once upon a time ther lived a man with his three daghters.

The yongest one was nice and sweet. But whe ther father went hunting her sisters would burn her face and make scars.

And she got in trouble. And that is how she got her name Little Burnt Face.

One day the chife who was invisaball said that if a girl could see him she would merry him.

The chief’s sisster could only see him.

Evreyone tried to see him but they could not.

When it was Little Burnt-Faces turn she could see him very well and tolled what she saw.

The cheif’s sisster washed her scars of in in the dew.

And then she merrirred the chief and they lived happly ever after.

~

Ok, that last one was a little disturbing. It took me four times to finally spell the word “chief” correctly??

Pathetic.