Reasons # 1,236 and #1,237 that I’m not ready to have babies

Posted on April 26, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Sometimes I really like being alone.

This past weekend, Will had a lot going on. A bunch of his high school friends were in town for the Mark Gessford Memorial Scholarship trivia night (which was a HUGE success!), so he was preparing for that and hanging out with everyone pretty much nonstop Friday through Sunday. I was feeling lazy and tired and wasn’t as involved in the trivia night planning, so I just decided to relax and stay home by myself for most of the weekend. And it was AWESOME.

I’m not one of those people who gets bored when I’m by myself. In fact, when I find myself faced with some precious “me” time, my mind reels with all the exciting possibilities of things I can do: Read a book! Give myself a pedicure! Catch up on my DVR! Write! Go for a run! Go shopping! Just sit outside and think! (I’m serious, I’ve done that before.)

The thing is, I really enjoy myself. And by that I mean I love hanging out with just me. I’m a fantastic companion…at least for myself. I love me. I think I’m fascinating and an all-around good time. I could entertain myself for days on end without interacting with another human being and be perfectly happy.

No, I’m not a hermit and I do not hear voices in my head (that I will admit to). I just really like being alone sometimes – probably because it doesn’t happen all that often.

Here’s the thing that hit me this weekend as I was enjoying time with myself, toasting to myself, and exclaiming “Oh, go on!” to myself as I reminisced and recounted witty stories and anecdotes with myself (I promise I’m not crazy – it’s called exaggerating for the sake of entertainment, people):

Once I have kids, I will most likely spend the next few years of my life never being alone. EVER.

In reality, it will probably be a struggle to get any precious alone time until my kids set off for college – and then who knows, I might have a bored, retired husband to contend with.

So I guess that’s just another factor that will increase my risk of post-partum depression.

The good thing is that I’m giving myself a couple of years to let this sink in. Maybe I should try to spend a lot of time alone between now and my first kid so that I get really sick of myself. But trying to hate myself just doesn’t seem beneficial to my mental health. Plus, who am I kidding? I could never hate me! Look at this face!

Precious.

And/or scary.

Oh, and reason #1,237 that I’m not ready to have babies is that I want to be able to book last minute trips to Miami…like we just did for this weekend! I’m pretty sure going on vacation at the drop of a hat is not very baby-conducive.

Hand me a mojito and cue that Will Smith song! Adios St. Louis! Hola, la playa!

Bulls, Beatles and Back to the Future: My adolescent loves

Posted on April 21, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

I was driving home from work yesterday when the perfectly coiffed, bobble-headed pre-teen heartthrob otherwise known as Justin Bieber came on the radio. After my knee-jerk (or elbow-jerk) reaction to change the station, I got to thinking – if the 13-year-old me was living in 2010, who would my celebrity crush be?

Zac Efron?

Robert Pattinson?

Little Bieber?

Is having weird flat-ironed hair a requirement for teen heartthrobs these days?

I guess it’s an improvement from Justin Timberlake’s brillo pad Bozo wig in the late nineties.

To be honest, the 13-year-old me had some slightly unconventional celebrity crushes. Sure, I held my Jordan Knight New Kids on the Block trading cards especially close to my heart, and I managed to convince myself that I was probably J.C. Chasez’s “type” and all we had to do was meet and it would be love at first sight.

But neither Jordan nor J.C. with their smooth dance moves and disturbing falsettos could hold a candle to the main celebrity crushes of my twisted adolescent life. I like to refer to them as The Big Three.

#1 – B.J. Armstrong

Ok people who didn’t live in Chicago in the nineties – I can hear you muttering “B.J. who?” under your breath. Allow me to introduce you to the cutest professional basketball player to ever hit the hardwood. At least as of the year 1999 – that was probably the last time I watched an NBA game.

From 1993-1996, the level of obsession I had with NBA basketball and the Chicago Bulls could best be described as fanatical (and worst described as unhealthy). And if you’re wondering why I stopped being so obsessed in 1996 right in the middle of their Repeat Three-peat, I’ll just say this: high school. Friends and a social life replaced my TV and basketball hoop on weekend nights. Thank God.

Anyway, B.J. Armstrong was the Bulls’ point guard in the early nineties and he managed to dribble his way into my heart with his cute smile and baby face. Every night, I slept underneath my B.J. Armstrong poster across the room from my B.J. Armstrong pennant. I think I might have cried when the Bulls released him in the 1995 Expansion Draft and he was snatched up by the Raptors. Since alcohol was not an option at that point, I drowned my sorrows in Nutty Bars.

#2 – Paul McCartney

When all the other girls in high school were swooning at the sight of the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC on MTV (ok fine, I liked those groups too), I was watching A Hard Day’s Night and adding to my ever-increasing collection of Beatles CDs. My B.J. Armstrong poster was replaced by this poster of the Fab Four.

Paul was my dream man. Musically talented with a cute baby face (noticing a pattern here?). He wanted to hold my hand. And I would have given anything to oblige.

The weird thing is that in real time, Paul McCartney was actually a wrinkly (yet still charming) old man. This Paul did not interest me – I was all about the mop-top Paul in tight pants on the Ed Sullivan Show. Also, I really liked the long-haired hippie Paul and the way he sang “Smiles awaa-aa-aa-aake you when you rise” in Golden Slumbers. Who am I kidding, I still love the guy.

#3 – Michael J. Fox

It all started with Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. “Alex Keaton, he’s so cute!” (If you get that reference, give yourself a point. This point has no value and cannot be redeemed for cash. Just know that I like you.)

On most Sunday nights in the 80s, you could find me at my grandparents’ house watching Family Ties. I remember being disappointed whenever I heard the production credit, “Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog!”– that meant the show was over.

Alex was an intelligent, outspoken Republican who was hilariously uptight, a cheapskate, and super cute. Sounds eerily similar to my husband, come to think of it…

And we can’t forget about Back to the Future. I loved Marty McFly even more than Alex. I think that movie began my love of puffy vests. And Huey Lewis. Both of those things remind me of Michael J. Fox. I think he’s my density. (You can’t get enough of my obscure references, can you??)

Ok, my lunch break was over 5 minutes ago. Time to extract myself from this haze of adolescent heartthrob love.

Who were your random celebrity crushes? Let me know so I can stop feeling so weird about the B.J. Armstrong one…

In the meantime, I’m going to work on making normal hair cool again so my kids don’t end up idolizing boy bands who make Chia Pets out of their hair or something crazy like that.

Celebrating my man and his grandpa

Posted on April 15, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Remember in my last blog post how I said my brain is like a box of chocolates? Well Forrest, you may be a simple man, but I think you got the saying right – life is too.

Right now I’m supposed to be in the Dominican Republic at Erin and Brent’s wedding. Today is Will’s birthday and we were going to celebrate by relaxing on the beach, enjoying the sun, and I was secretly trying to figure out how to get the server at dinner to stick a candle in Will’s dessert.

Metaphorically speaking, I was expecting a delicious Fannie Mae Trinidad (yum!). What I got was the nasty Caramel Cream (vomit!).

Will’s grandpa had been fighting pulmonary fibrosis for awhile and on Tuesday night, he took a turn for the worse. We cancelled our trip, thanked our lucky stars for trip insurance, and went to the hospital the next day. This morning, finally, Will’s grandpa’s constant struggle to breathe ended.

So today, I’m celebrating the lives of two great men: One man who is the center of my universe and another man who made that possible not only by simply existing, but by helping to mentor, influence and mold Will into the man I love.

With the irony of birth and death floating around in this situation, I realize I’m dangling on the precipice of a black hole of symbolism and meaning here, so I’ll take a step back. All of this sharing of my feelings is making me develop an eye twitch.

But while Will’s 28^th birthday may be marked by the death of someone he loves, he and everyone else in the family were marked by the life of someone who really loved them.

So cheers to Will’s birthday and Grandpa Wall’s life! Two things definitely worth celebrating.

Now who’s got the champagne? (Hey, if I can’t have a mojito on the beach…)

Brain lottery – everyone’s a winner!

Posted on April 13, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Worky work, busy bee! That’s me today. I’m trying to get a bunch of stuff done (including this blog post over my lunch break) because I’m going to be out of commission for the rest of the week.

I don’t know about you, but I love it when “out of commission” means going on vacation and not having surgery.

Twenty-four hours from now, I hope to be relaxing on the beach, drinking a mojito, and hopefully not worrying that my spray tan looks uneven. Oh the joys of being naturally un-tannable.

So, since my mind is full of everything I have to do and racing at about 100 mph right now (I know, I’m a reckless thinker!), I’ve decided to just compile a quick list of random thoughts. It’s the Carlie Crash Lottery. Think of my brain as the clear plastic lottery ball holder thingy and the thoughts as the numbered ping pong balls. Who knows what’s going to pop up?? My mind is like a box of chocolates. Enjoy.

Random Thoughts

1. I’ve discovered that it is my fate to never run out of lotion at work. For the past 5 years, I’ve always kept one of those mini bottles of Bath & Body Works lotion at my desk. The crazy thing? I haven’t purchased a single one of them myself. They’ve all been given to me. Every time I’m almost out of one, I receive another one as a gift. Example: I literally had about 2 squirts left in my current mini bottle on Friday. On Saturday, I went to a baby shower. The favors? Mini lotions. It’s weird. And convenient. Thank you, God of Mini Lotions. I am truly blessed.

2. Do you know someone who always walks on their tiptoes? I do. Well, I don’t really know her but I see her at my office all time. I’m sure she’s a very nice person, but I’m concerned for the welfare of her feet. She always walks on her tiptoes! Kind of like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Maybe she feels that heels are overrated. Maybe she’s right. But I doubt it.

3. My dog was making some really weird noises this morning. He gets a little anxious when he can tell I’m about to leave for work. Not because he’s going to miss me, but because I always give him a treat. This morning, the agony of suspense really got to him. It was like he was growling, barking and crying all at the same time. It actually sounded like he was trying to form words. What’s the deal Gatsby? You know I don’t speak Spanish.

4. Sometimes I’ll do something and I’ll think to myself, “that is so Raven.”

Ok, that random thought is actually courtesy of Zach Galifianakis on SNL, but I just thought of it and it amused me.

5. I love putting up my email out-of-office message at work. It’s like telling everyone who wants me to do something to “talk to the hand.”

Ok, that’s it. My brain is fried. I need a nap. Or a vacation. I’ll take the latter!

PEACE.

Here’s the part where I sell out

Posted on April 9, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Guess what!? I found out that people I don’t know actually read my blog!

I had assumed that for the most part, my readers consisted of family members and friends (of the real life and Facebook varieties). Turns out that somehow, miraculously, other random people of the world have ventured onto this site of their own free will.

I have proof!

A couple of weeks ago, I was contacted by the makers of Edwards Desserts. They had read my blog (see?) and wanted to know if I would try some of their desserts for free and then write about them.

Desserts? For free? I didn’t have to think too hard about this one. I’m a big advocate of people giving me free stuff. If the makers of Dog Crap in a Paper Bag offered to give me their product for free, I’d probably take it.

But it gets better. The desserts are actually delicious. Score!

So far, I’ve tried two varieties of their frozen dessert singles: the Hot Turtle Brownie with Ice Cream and the Hot Fudge Brownie with Ice Cream. The verdict? Yum.

Both products give you the deliciousness of a freshly baked brownie with ice cream on top without the hassle of actually baking the brownies or buying a whole container of ice cream when you really just want one scoop. And it only takes 45 seconds for this tasty treat to get from the freezer to your mouth. Eating your feelings has never been easier!

But seriously folks, these bad boys are good. And how rude would I be to go on and on about them and not offer any to you, my loyal readers? I’m no Emily Post, but I do have some manners.

Unfortunately, I only have 5 free desserts to give out. So here’s the solution: a contest! Fun!

You should really pay attention to this part of the post if you like free stuff.

The first 5 people to comment on this blog post will receive a coupon for FREE Edwards Desserts from me! They can be found in all major grocery store chains. Please leave your email address or a way that I can contact you on the off chance that you, like the generous people at Edwards Desserts, are not one of my friends or family members.

And if no one comments, don’t worry my feelings won’t be hurt. That’s just 10 more free desserts for me (there are 2 in every package)!

You can follow Edwards Desserts on Facebook (http://facebook.com/edwardsdesserts ) and Twitter (@EdwardsDesserts).

If you are lucky enough to win one of the free dessert coupons, feel free to tweet or leave a comment on their Facebook wall about whether you liked it – they really want to know!

Also, if you have a mom who is awesome and likes Hollywood red-carpet events, you should seriously consider entering her in the Edwards Desserts Mother’s Day contest (see their Facebook fan page for more info). If your entry is chosen, Mom gets to glam it up and flirt with Ryan Seacrest and you secure your spot as her favorite offspring for life. Win-win.

So…let the comments roll in! May the force be with you!

Who knew selling out could taste so good??

Adventures in Charleston: The scenic and the scary

Posted on April 6, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

Sometimes (lots of times) I ask myself, “Why do I live in St. Louis?” I guess the answer is that Will makes more money than I do and has a really good job there. So here I am.

Usually I ask myself that question after returning from a vacation to somewhere really cool. Last Wednesday I got back from a trip to Charleston, SC. I left the beach, the palmettos, the cobblestone streets, the beautiful houses and the history and came back to…the Mississppi River. And the Arch. Eh.

I went with my mom, my sister, and MK and Vicki, two longtime family friends. We were visiting MK’s daughter Becca, also a lifelong friend.

Sidebar: I can’t begin to explain the grief Becca caused the 13-year-old me when I was trying to direct my very first music video (to Mariah Carey’s “Dreamlover”) and she wanted to quit because she was hungry. I don’t think it had anything to do with the idiotic dance moves I was forcing her to perform. She told me last week that she is actually hyperglycemic. A sorry excuse that has very likely cost me a career as an Oscar-winning director. But we’ve moved on from that.

Here are some highlights from the trip:

We went to brunch the first day we got there. Here Bec and I are with our unlimited mimosas. And my love affair with Charleston begins…

Next up was a carriage ride. Pretty cool way to see the city.

Probably not so cool for the locals who got stuck behind us. But they get to live in houses like this by the ocean, so suck it, locals.

Here we are at Magnolia Plantation where we saw flowers, alligators, and lots of Spanish Moss. Good times all around.

We toured several cool old houses like these:

And we got really tired of posing for my mom’s pictures. Here I am protesting. She got the shot anyway.

My sister, mom and MK all went on a late night tour of a haunted, creepy jail. I was too scared to go. My wussy-ness is epic and possibly a topic for another blog post. I hate being scared. But here’s a pic of the jail anyway. Apparently the camera lens is a little dusty. Or are those orbs…?? Crap I’m scared now. Deep breaths.

The last night we were there, we went on a tour of the”dark side” of Charleston. Prostitution, slavery, and murder galore!

Fun fact: the prostitutes in Charleston used to put a lemon wedge in their “cooch” to keep from getting pregnant. Sorry if that language offends you, but that is exactly what the tour guide said – I’m trying to give you an authentic experience here. At least I think that’s what he said. He had the thickest Southern accent I’ve ever heard and overused the dramatic pause when telling his stories. MK thought he was having a stroke one time. No worries – he’s ok.

The lemon birth control method proved to be somewhat ineffective (surprise!), as our guide informed us that the parking lot we were standing in used to be full of dead babies. That were aborted using knitting needles. Does anyone have a bag I can hyperventilate and /or puke in?

Here I am with my sister at the end of the tour in a dark, scary, old graveyard that I couldn’t leave fast enough, but of course my mom wanted a picture. I think this was after I soiled myself. Umm…are those orbs again??

Hey everyone! Come read about what a good person I am!

Posted on April 1, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

You’re probably wondering where I’ve been all week.

Oh, you’re not? It didn’t occur to you that my last post was almost a week ago? You didn’t miss me? You weren’t sick with worry that maybe something bad happened to me, like my hands were severed in an unfortunate band saw accident, thus rendering me unable to type and provide my unmatched wit and humor to the world?

Ok, then.

Moving on…

I’ve actually been on vacation in Charleston, SC since Saturday, but I’ll tell you more about that later. For today’s post, I’d like to focus on how I’ve been spending my Thursday nights for the past five months leading a book club for people with developmental disabilities. I know, I’m a really good person, aren’t I? So caring, selfless, wanting to give back to the community…

That last part? Not true at all. I’m usually pretty self-absorbed and unaware when it comes to community issues and volunteering my time. It just doesn’t always occur to me that I can make a difference and really help people. Fortunately, it did occur to Will and he convinced me to volunteer at St. Louis Arc with him and lead a book club.

At first, I was not thrilled at the idea. The book club meets every Thursday night. Thursday is a really good TV night. End of discussion.

Will interpreted “end of discussion” to mean “sign me up anyway” and thus I found myself heading to Borders with him a few weeks later.

Even though I’ve had experience working with special needs kids in the past, I was a little nervous about interacting with adults with developmental disabilities. I didn’t know what to expect as far as their capabilities and personalities. Turns out, they’re a lot of fun.

There are five people in the book club, not including us, and each one of them seems genuinely happy to be there. They greet us with smiles and enthusiasm, ask us how our week was, and sometimes just exclaim “This is fun!” It’s really refreshing to be around people who can be so unabashedly appreciative of the moment. I think I might try to make a point to say “This is fun!” out loud more often.

Over the past five months, after reading everything from Curious George to Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, I’ve developed a fondness for Thursday nights (despite the fact that they no longer include The Office or Real Housewives) and for all of our book clubbers.

Tonight is our last book club, at least until the next session begins in the fall. I have to admit, it will be nice to have our Thursday nights back, but I’ll miss seeing our five new friends every week.

Moral of the story: Volunteering my time to help others was actually rewarding and an all around good time. I should do it more often. Next Thursday, when I’m at home laughing at 30 Rock, I’m going to try to remember to yell “This is fun!” I don’t care if my dog thinks I’m crazy.

Life lessons from E!

Posted on March 26, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

I’m a little bit ashamed to say that I can relate to Kendra Wilkinson. It’s just that we have so much in common – the celebrity lifestyle, pro-athlete husband, Playboy bunny sex appeal, 85-year-old ex-boyfriend…

Ok, I actually have none of that.

But even though Kendra and I are in fact nothing alike, I still had an I feel you girl moment while watching her show (the aptly named Kendra) on E! the other night.

In case you don’t watch (what, you have better things to do?), Kendra’s story is as follows: She met Hugh Hefner while naked at a Playboy mansion event (in my book, body paint does not clothing make), started dating him, moved into the mansion, starred in The Girls Next Door with fellow Hefner girlfriends Holly and Bridget, got famous, met pro football player Hank Baskett, moved out of the mansion, married Hank, got pregnant and had a baby. All before her 25^th birthday, no less.

In last Sunday’s episode of Kendra, we find our heroine feeling a little depressed. She has traded in her Hollywood glamour girl Playboy princess persona for that of a stay-at-home mom living in Indianapolis. And that makes her unhappy? Imagine that.

Yeesh, I feel depressed for her.

Kendra loves her life with Hank and Hank Jr., and while coming up with appropriate and original names for their offspring is not a strength for this couple (an infant named Hank? Really?), they are very happy.

That is, until three hot chicks show up and make Kendra feel ugly.

This is the part where I really started to feel for this girl.

After spending day and night caring for little Hanky Jr. (I like that name better – more infanty, less overweight truck driver-y), Kendra is in desperate need of some girl time, so she invites her three Playboy bunny friends Brittany, Tiffany, and another girl whose name was probably something like Crystal, to come and hang with her in Indy.

Poor Kendra. After being away from them for so long, it seems she forgot how ridiculously hot her friends are. As a recently pregnant woman who has not yet gotten back to her pre-baby Playboy body (and perhaps never will), she starts to feel super insecure, self-conscious, and all-around unsexy.

I can’t say I blame her. I’m sure I would feel that way too. Getting pregnant is like murdering your figure. And to make myself sound super-shallow – I’m not yet totally convinced it’s worth the sacrifice.

Right now, I work out and try not to eat too much crap so that I can look and feel good. I’m in shape and very happy with my body and I don’t know how I’ll deal with losing that.

If someone like Kendra, who looked amazing before she got pregnant, still has to deal with body issues and feeling unattractive post-pregnancy, then I’m pretty sure that I will too. I’m not one of those people who can say “Yeah, I lost my figure, got some stretch marks, and saggy boobs, but that’s ok. It was worth it.” I’m just not. It’s going to be depressing.

Based on the previews for future episodes, it does appear that Kendra gets a personal trainer and her old body back, or pretty close to it. So I guess there’s hope. It’s just scary for lazy people like me to think that most moms have to work really hard to get their stretched-out, abused bodies back into shape and there’s the distinct possibility that your old body may be gone forever.

That being said, it was sort of refreshing to see that even beautiful celebrities have issues like this. Hopefully if I ever go through this experience, I’ll have friends who are in the same boat and not running around looking all hot and posing for Playboy.

And there you have it: a life lesson learned from E! (or at least a relatable moment). I’m actually considering turning this into a little blog series. I’m not ashamed to admit (ok, yes I am) that I have gleaned a few very small bits of wisdom from shows like The Kardashians and Giuliana & Bill. Ok fine, they’re by no means PBS, but every now and then a random poignant moment appears like a diamond in the rough. A needle in a haystack, if you will.

And did you see Kourtney Kardashian giving birth to her son and basically pulling him out of herself…herself?!?!? Good God, I could write a whole blog post on that, but I’ll abstain – for your sake.

Baby timeshare – Brilliant!

Posted on March 23, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

A few weeks ago, we were hanging out with our friends Erin and Brent who are getting married in April. In the Dominican Republic. And we’re going. Woohoo!

Anyway, we were at dinner (using a Groupon I might add! If you haven’t checked out that site yet, you should – great deals. I promise they’re not paying me to say that) and we came up with a plan that is, dare I say, BRILLIANT.

Erin and Brent are in the same boat as us: The USS We Want a Family But Having a Baby Scares Us Right Now.

And, like us, they are testing the parental waters with their pseudo children Chauncey, Hayes, Louie, and one other cat whose name I can’t remember (but who is very sweet when she’s not peeing in their house plants).

Their dog Chauncey is actually quite adorable.

Almost as cute as Gatsby, The Cutest Dog in the World.

But back to the BRILLIANT plan. The four of us were discussing our reservations about the child rearing process – you know, creating this being who we will forever be tied to and feel responsible for and who we will worry about and pretty much obsess over for the rest of our lives – when we came up with the perfect way to have the best of both worlds: a genetically engineered baby made up of equal parts DNA from all four of us.

Yes, that’s right – one baby, two sets of parents – a baby timeshare! Both couples take turns raising the child – perhaps some sort of two-week rotation. While they have the kid for two weeks, we can be childless and free, but the following two weeks we can also experience the joys of parenting, which I imagine are especially joyful if you know that you have a two-week break coming up.

Totally brillz, right? (Or should I say “totes” to be extra annoying?)

Of course there are some logistics to work out. Namely, the science to create a four-parent baby is not yet a possibility as far as I know. Do me a favor and tell all your scientist friends to get working on that. Once they have it worked out so that the child won’t have any freakish genetic mutations (having a three-legged kid might be a bit of an inconvenience), let me know.

I guess in the meantime, we’ll have to plan on going the more traditional route. At least our BRILLIANT plan made for some good dinner conversation, if nothing else.

Random thought of the day: Why is it that some people, when discussing their favorite sports teams, use “we” instead of “they?”

As in: “Yeah man, now that we have <insert athlete’s name here>, we’re going to be really good. It might be our year. We just can’t have too many injuries. Dude.”

Last time I checked, fans were not actual members of professional sports teams. It’s just semantically incorrect. But hey, if it makes them happy to use the collective “we” and perpetuate the delusion that they are somehow involved with the team (motivational vibe sender, maybe?), so be it.

Happy green beer day!

Posted on March 17, 2010 by carlieblissirwin

I LOVE St. Patrick’s Day. I love parades, drinking green beer and going out to Irish pubs. I even love Guinness. I am slightly Irish, after all (not sure exactly how much).

As I sit here writing this quick post AT WORK (not a fun bar or a parade, mind you), I have to say I’m a little depressed.

So to cheer myself up a little, I’d like to present an homage in pictures of St. Patrick’s Day celebrations of yore!

2006