Farewell, my sweet Kardashians…

I just had a realization: I watch too much TV.

“You’re just now realizing that??” (This is what I guarantee Will said in his head (or maybe even outloud!) after reading that first sentence.)

Let me just stop you right there, Will (and everyone else).

I’m not saying I watch too much TV in general. It’s a harmless, entertaining way to relax at the end of the day, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. What I’m saying is that I watch too much TV for my life situation right now.

Case in point*:

*(I just had to look up what “case in point” means to make sure I was using it correctly, and I was! Also, it’s an idiom if you didn’t know that. Not to be confused with an idiot, which is what I feel like right now since I’m an editor and an English major and I’m still Googling commonly used phrases.)

Here is a list of responsibilities I have in my life right now:

1. Work (which takes up at least 8 hours every weekday.)

2. Freelance publishing projects (just started this but I think it’s going to turn into a bit of a time commitment.)

3. Food & Drink contributor for Girls Guide to the Galaxy (re-launching in February!)

4. Working out (I found some classes nearby that I want to take and I can’t wait to start! Next week…)

5. This blog (I love you, but you are seriously a time suck.)

6. Unpacking my apartment (YES, this is still happening.)

7. Having some semblance of a social life (This is very important for my survival.)

8. Daily health-related and hygienic tasks such as bathing, brushing my teeth, and sleeping

Here is a list of all of the TV shows I’m currently watching:

1. Desperate Housewives

2. Kendra

3. How I Met Your Mother

4. The Bachelor

5. The Real Housewives of Atlanta

6. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

7. The Jersey Shore

8. Glee

9. Gossip Girl

10. Breaking Bad

11. The Office

12. Community

13. Parks and Recreation

14. 30 Rock

15. Millionaire Matchmaker

16. Keeping Up with the Kardashians

I think there’s more, but I just listed 14 hours per week that I am sitting (more like slouching/laying) in front of the television, and I think you get my point. I don’t have time for this. (Don’t worry, Glee, I’m not talking to you! Or you, Gossip Girl! Or you, 30 Rock!)

So it’s time to make some cuts. The question is, what are they? It’s my own personal Sophie’s Choice, I’m telling you.

Well… some cuts aren’t that hard to make. I am talking to you, Kardashians and Millionaire Matchmaker. It’s not that I have something against dark-haired women with oversized rear ends. It’s just that I think it will be good for me to spend less time watching rich people drink champagne, buy Chanel bags and use helicopters as their primary mode of transportation.

Bye bye!

Toodles!

After that, the cuts get a bit harder. My gut is telling me to cut the Real Housewives because those shows are somewhat trashy and mind-numbing, but I’m not sure I can bring myself to do it. The bottom line: they bring me joy. Yes, I just said that.

Please weigh in, if you feel so inclined. What other shows do I watch that are a ridiculous waste of time and make you ashamed to be associated with me? (Don’t say all of them!)

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The Bachelor Chat

I am writing this blog post mere hours before the much-anticipated season finale of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love Edition. Or, as I like to call it, Cringing While Watching a Ken Doll Pilot with No Personality Agonize Over Which Nitwit Girl He Will Propose to and Dump Two Months Later. People, break out the popcorn – this is entertainment to the max.

I first got hooked on the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows back in the olden days when I lived in a dorm room, my bed doubled as a couch, and my viewing apparatus was a 14-inch box that included a built-in VCR. (Kids, VCRs were machines that played movies using strange rectangular devices called video tapes. Now go to your room for making me feel old.) Once I moved in with my sorority sisters, watching The Bachelor became a weekly event. It was a great way to relax, hang out, put off writing that paper for another hour, and make fun of people who were prettier and stupider than we were. Or at least appeared that way on TV.

After we graduated, watching this parade of slut-tastic ridiculousness just wasn’t the same. When I scoffed out loud about how that blonde chick had a bad boob job and was wearing a pageant dress or how Jesse the football player smashed girls’ faces when he kissed them, I was either greeted by silence or a polite chuckle from my roommate or boyfriend. Where were my girls when I needed them??

While watching an episode during Lorenzo “Prince Toolbox” Borghese’s season, I happened to be talking with a couple of them on AOL instant messenger. (Kids, instant messenger is an old fashioned online messaging service that – wait a second, who said you could come out of your room??) And that, my friends, was when a tradition was born: The Bachelor Chat!

For those of you who don’t use AIM anymore, there is a “chat” function that allows you to create chat rooms and have conversations online with a group of people. For those of you who still use AIM – why? Anyway, we invited all of our friends to join our chats during The Bachelor episodes and pretty soon it became a weekly event. I especially looked forward to it since I had moved to St. Louis and most of my college friends were still in Chicago – it was a fun way to keep in touch.

Sadly, it seems the days of the Bachelor Chat may be going by the wayside. Since we all started chatting, many of us have gotten married, started new demanding careers or moved out of the Central time zone. It also doesn’t help that the episodes are now 2 hours long. Two hours?? Really, ABC? Thankfully, this group of friends has not yet been struck by the baby boom, but I guess that’s just a matter of time as well. Who knows, once we all have kids we might not even have time for reality TV – oh, the horror!

One thing that makes me kind of sad about getting older is the fact that life increasingly tends to get in the way of recreational guilty pleasures such as the Bachelor Chat. So listen up, friends who don’t have babies yet: I have a plan! Let’s wait a couple years and then all have babies at exactly the same time! If we sync up our lives this way, our kids will all be best friends and they can play together while we hang out, and then our kids can all marry each other and we’ll never lose touch just like one big happy family! Or commune…whatever.

Well if that brilliant plan doesn’t pan out for some reason, I guess my only hope is that our lives may calm down by the time we all retire and maybe then we can actually resume the Bachelor Chat or The Price Is Right Chat, or whatever old people will be watching in 30 years.

Addendum: Ok, it’s the following morning and now we all know that Vienna has won Jake’s heart (which according to him is still “crying” for Tenley – over a balcony perhaps?). The two lovebirds actually danced on the After the Final Rose special while Jeffrey Osborne (who?) sang On the Wings of Love in the background. And let me tell you, my eyes could not roll far enough back in my head to express the way I felt about this. Reality TV, I love you.

Random tip of the day: Doing an ab workout that includes 130 leg drops and 3 minute planks when you have a cold is NOT a good idea because oh my God it hurts to sneeze the next day.