Category Archives: Pop! Pop! (culture)

Another conversation with my future baby

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If you’ve been reading my blog from its inception, first of all, thanks! Second of all, you might remember the short conversation I conjured in my mind with my future baby in my very first post.

Well that brief “interaction” didn’t go so well, so I thought I’d give Future Baby (who will henceforth be referred to as FB) another chance.

If I was to have a preconceptual encounter with the little one today (I know this is impossible, but just go with it), this is how I imagine it would go (and yes, he/she already has the verbal capabilities of an adult with a college education. I have high expectations):

ME: Hey, FB.

FB: Waaaaazzzzz uuuup??

Ok, stop! Already, my future baby is either drunk or high and has the gruff, gravelly voice of a 40-year-old chain smoker. Why am I picturing Baby Herman from Roger Rabbit??

I need to regroup and re-imagine this scenario. Give me a second. Ok, let’s try this again.

ME: Hi cute little baby with big innocent eyes, round chubby cheeks and an adorable smile! (Imagery is a lot easier if you just spell it out for yourself.)

FB: Hi Future Mom! I can’t wait to meet you and be molded into the kind, successful, attractive person you want me to be!

ME: Aww, thanks FB! I love that you’re already trying to suck up to me before you’re even conceived.

FB: I just want to make you happy!

Ahh, if only that’s how being a parent really goes…

ME: Ok, enough with the brown-nosing, shorty. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I just want to let you know that I’m still not quite ready to make you yet.

FB: But why? I promise I’ll start sleeping through the night right away, practically potty train myself and be all around developmentally advanced!

ME: Hmm, that’s a tempting promise FB, but I have to pass. The truth is, I’m just not mommy material yet.

FB: Well what the hell is wrong with you?

ME: Hey, watch the attitude, young pre-fetus thing! Last week, I watched Real Housewife of New Jersey Teresa screaming and crying and panicking as she received an epidural and THEN she was forced to give birth, which was so bad they wouldn’t even show it! All you could see was the closed door to her room, but you could hear the sounds, and I swear I think they were disemboweling her using some sort of medieval torture device. And then the other night I happened upon an episode of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant on TLC in which a woman (who didn’t know she was pregnant) went to the hospital experiencing the worst pain of her life and then the baby came out and fell on her shoe! And it was GROSS. So if it’s ok with you, FB, I’m just going to wait until I really really want you in my life before I risk getting placenta on my Steve Maddens. (I wanted to say Manolos, but that would be misleading – sorry kid, there will be no trust fund waiting for you.) Also, I might add that I caught the end of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant because I was waiting for a new episode of Toddlers & Tiaras to come on. I might as well slap an “UNFIT FUTURE MOTHER” sign on my forehead!!

FB: Yikes. You sure are neurotic. But in a loveable sort of way.

ME: Thanks. Don’t worry, when you finally become a real human life, I will teach you my ways.

FB: That’s what I’m afraid of.

ME: You and me both.

FB: So there is still no chance of me being created anytime soon?

ME: If all goes according to plan, then no. But I will say that I’ve seen a few babies recently who I actually thought were cute…or at least had potential. So I guess that’s promising. Here’s a tip: the cuter you are, the easier it will be for me to like you. I’m just saying…

FB: No problem, of course I’ll be cute. Look at who my parents are! <wink>

ME: Oh FB, you are a delight! I’m glad we had this talk.

FB: Me too. But what’s with all of these reality shows featuring horrifying childbirth scenes? I think it’s becoming detrimental to my existence.

ME: Good question, you’ll have to take that up with Bravo, E!, and TLC. It’s out of my control at this point. It seems I’m compelled to watch any reality show involving housewives, celebrities, or spoiled rich girls on either coast. Sorry, FB, your future mother is an addict.

FB: Yes, it’s very clear that you need help.

ME: Well it’s been real FB, but I gotta run. Maybe I’ll see you in a couple years.

FB: Ok, I’ll just be here…waiting to exist…

ME: Have fun with that. Peace out, FB!

FB: I think I’m already experiencing abandonment issues.

Summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime

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Hope everyone had a good Memorial Day! If you’re like me, you spent the weekend drinking margaritas, hanging out by the pool and strolling along the River Walk in San Antonio, TX. (I’m guessing you’re not like me, but if that really is what you did – weird! It was fun, wasn’t it?)

I’ll tell you everything you ever wanted to know about the Alamo, the IHOP Café we visited (be warned: it’s NOT a real IHOP!), and the pool bar menu at the Westin once I’m motivated to upload my pictures. But for now, we have this:

Oldies.

To me, nothing says summer like the musical notes of the upbeat classic golden oldies. Maybe it’s because the local Wheaton pool used to continuously blast the now defunct oldies station when I was a kid. (R.I.P. Oldies 104.3 with Dick Biondi. When I heard you went off the air, a little piece of my soul died.) Or maybe it’s because so many of my favorite summertime movies (Stand By Me, American Graffiti, Now and Then) are set to the nostalgic background of some great doo-wop hits. Whatever the reason, when I hear the high-pitched crooning of the Beach Boys or the engine revving and beginning notes of Leader of the Pack, I think summer.

So, since this past weekend we were unofficially thrust into the throws of the year’s sunniest season, I decided to make you a playlist of my favorite oldies that remind me of summer for all the road trips, poolside lounging and BBQs we have ahead of us in the coming months. You’re welcome.

Also, I’m still recovering from all of the relaxing (read: drinking) I did last weekend. My brain is fried, so making a simple list is about all that I am mentally capable of right now. Here we go:

1.  Don’t Worry Baby (or pretty much the whole greatest hits CD) – The Beach Boys

2. Sugar, Sugar – The Archies

3. Running on Empty – Jackson Browne (great for road trips!)

4. Come Go With Me – The Del Vikings

5. Crimson and Clover – Tommy James & the Shondells

6. Why Do Fools Fall in Love – Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers

7. Up on the Roof – The Drifters

8. Turn! Turn! Turn! – The Byrds

9. Hot Fun in the Summertime – Sly & the Family Stone

10. Runaround Sue – Dion

11. The Little Old Lady from Pasadena – Jan & Dean

12. Up Around the Bend – Creedence Clearwater Revival

13. Leader of the Pack – The Shangri-la’s

14. I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonite – Boyce & Hart

15. I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch) – The Four Tops

So crank these tunes for a good time this summer! Unless you don’t like oldies, in which case you probably stopped reading this post awhile ago. Also I’m just going to go ahead and call you un-American since you’re not reading this anyway. So there. You were just schooled in passive-aggressiveness. BAM.

Bulls, Beatles and Back to the Future: My adolescent loves

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I was driving home from work yesterday when the perfectly coiffed, bobble-headed pre-teen heartthrob otherwise known as Justin Bieber came on the radio. After my knee-jerk (or elbow-jerk) reaction to change the station, I got to thinking – if the 13-year-old me was living in 2010, who would my celebrity crush be?

Zac Efron?

 

Robert Pattinson?

Little Bieber?

Is having weird flat-ironed hair a requirement for teen heartthrobs these days?

I guess it’s an improvement from Justin Timberlake’s brillo pad Bozo wig in the late nineties.

To be honest, the 13-year-old me had some slightly unconventional celebrity crushes. Sure, I held my Jordan Knight New Kids on the Block trading cards especially close to my heart, and I managed to convince myself that I was probably J.C. Chasez’s “type” and all we had to do was meet and it would be love at first sight.

But neither Jordan nor J.C. with their smooth dance moves and disturbing falsettos could hold a candle to the main celebrity crushes of my twisted adolescent life. I like to refer to them as The Big Three.

#1 – B.J. Armstrong

Ok people who didn’t live in Chicago in the nineties – I can hear you muttering “B.J. who?” under your breath. Allow me to introduce you to the cutest professional basketball player to ever hit the hardwood. At least as of the year 1999 – that was probably the last time I watched an NBA game.

From 1993-1996, the level of obsession I had with NBA basketball and the Chicago Bulls could best be described as fanatical (and worst described as unhealthy). And if you’re wondering why I stopped being so obsessed in 1996 right in the middle of their Repeat Three-peat, I’ll just say this: high school. Friends and a social life replaced my TV and basketball hoop on weekend nights. Thank God.

Anyway, B.J. Armstrong was the Bulls’ point guard in the early nineties and he managed to dribble his way into my heart with his cute smile and baby face. Every night, I slept underneath my B.J. Armstrong poster across the room from my B.J. Armstrong pennant. I think I might have cried when the Bulls released him in the 1995 Expansion Draft and he was snatched up by the Raptors. Since alcohol was not an option at that point, I drowned my sorrows in Nutty Bars.

#2 – Paul McCartney

When all the other girls in high school were swooning at the sight of the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC on MTV (ok fine, I liked those groups too), I was watching A Hard Day’s Night and adding to my ever-increasing collection of Beatles CDs. My B.J. Armstrong poster was replaced by this poster of the Fab Four.

Paul was my dream man. Musically talented with a cute baby face (noticing a pattern here?). He wanted to hold my hand. And I would have given anything to oblige.

The weird thing is that in real time, Paul McCartney was actually a wrinkly (yet still charming) old man. This Paul did not interest me – I was all about the mop-top Paul in tight pants on the Ed Sullivan Show. Also, I really liked the long-haired hippie Paul and the way he sang “Smiles awaa-aa-aa-aake you when you rise” in Golden Slumbers. Who am I kidding, I still love the guy.

#3 – Michael J. Fox

It all started with Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. “Alex Keaton, he’s so cute!” (If you get that reference, give yourself a point. This point has no value and cannot be redeemed for cash. Just know that I like you.)

On most Sunday nights in the 80s, you could find me at my grandparents’ house watching Family Ties. I remember being disappointed whenever I heard the production credit, “Sit Ubu, sit. Good dog!”– that meant the show was over.

Alex was an intelligent, outspoken Republican who was hilariously uptight, a cheapskate, and super cute. Sounds eerily similar to my husband, come to think of it…

And we can’t forget about Back to the Future. I loved Marty McFly even more than Alex. I think that movie began my love of puffy vests. And Huey Lewis. Both of those things remind me of Michael J. Fox. I think he’s my density. (You can’t get enough of my obscure references, can you??)

Ok, my lunch break was over 5 minutes ago. Time to extract myself from this haze of adolescent heartthrob love.

Who were your random celebrity crushes? Let me know so I can stop feeling so weird about the B.J. Armstrong one…

In the meantime, I’m going to work on making normal hair cool again so my kids don’t end up idolizing boy bands who make Chia Pets out of their hair or something crazy like that.

Life lessons from E!

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I’m a little bit ashamed to say that I can relate to Kendra Wilkinson. It’s just that we have so much in common – the celebrity lifestyle, pro-athlete husband, Playboy bunny sex appeal, 85-year-old ex-boyfriend…

Ok, I actually have none of that.

But even though Kendra and I are in fact nothing alike, I still had an I feel you girl moment while watching her show (the aptly named Kendra) on E! the other night.

In case you don’t watch (what, you have better things to do?), Kendra’s story is as follows: She met Hugh Hefner while naked at a Playboy mansion event (in my book, body paint does not clothing make), started dating him, moved into the mansion, starred in The Girls Next Door with fellow Hefner girlfriends Holly and Bridget, got famous, met pro football player Hank Baskett, moved out of the mansion, married Hank, got pregnant and had a baby. All before her 25th birthday, no less.

In last Sunday’s episode of Kendra, we find our heroine feeling a little depressed. She has traded in her Hollywood glamour girl Playboy princess persona for that of a stay-at-home mom living in Indianapolis. And that makes her unhappy? Imagine that.

Yeesh, I feel depressed for her.

Kendra loves her life with Hank and Hank Jr., and while coming up with appropriate and original names for their offspring is not a strength for this couple (an infant named Hank? Really?), they are very happy.

That is, until three hot chicks show up and make Kendra feel ugly.

This is the part where I really started to feel for this girl.

After spending day and night caring for little Hanky Jr. (I like that name better – more infanty, less overweight truck driver-y), Kendra is in desperate need of some girl time, so she invites her three Playboy bunny friends Brittany, Tiffany, and another girl whose name was probably something like Crystal, to come and hang with her in Indy.

Poor Kendra. After being away from them for so long, it seems she forgot how ridiculously hot her friends are. As a recently pregnant woman who has not yet gotten back to her pre-baby Playboy body (and perhaps never will), she starts to feel super insecure, self-conscious, and all-around unsexy.

I can’t say I blame her. I’m sure I would feel that way too. Getting pregnant is like murdering your figure. And to make myself sound super-shallow – I’m not yet totally convinced it’s worth the sacrifice.

Right now, I work out and try not to eat too much crap so that I can look and feel good. I’m in shape and very happy with my body and I don’t know how I’ll deal with losing that.

If someone like Kendra, who looked amazing before she got pregnant, still has to deal with body issues and feeling unattractive post-pregnancy, then I’m pretty sure that I will too. I’m not one of those people who can say “Yeah, I lost my figure, got some stretch marks, and saggy boobs, but that’s ok. It was worth it.” I’m just not. It’s going to be depressing.

Based on the previews for future episodes, it does appear that Kendra gets a personal trainer and her old body back, or pretty close to it. So I guess there’s hope. It’s just scary for lazy people like me to think that most moms have to work really hard to get their stretched-out, abused bodies back into shape and there’s the distinct possibility that your old body may be gone forever.

That being said, it was sort of refreshing to see that even beautiful celebrities have issues like this. Hopefully if I ever go through this experience, I’ll have friends who are in the same boat and not running around looking all hot and posing for Playboy.

And there you have it: a life lesson learned from E! (or at least a relatable moment). I’m actually considering turning this into a little blog series. I’m not ashamed to admit (ok, yes I am) that I have gleaned a few very small bits of wisdom from shows like The Kardashians and Giuliana & Bill. Ok fine, they’re by no means PBS, but every now and then a random poignant moment appears like a diamond in the rough. A needle in a haystack, if you will.

And did you see Kourtney Kardashian giving birth to her son and basically pulling him out of herself…herself?!?!? Good God, I could write a whole blog post on that, but I’ll abstain – for your sake.

The Bachelor Chat

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I am writing this blog post mere hours before the much-anticipated season finale of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love Edition. Or, as I like to call it, Cringing While Watching a Ken Doll Pilot with No Personality Agonize Over Which Nitwit Girl He Will Propose to and Dump Two Months Later. People, break out the popcorn – this is entertainment to the max.

I first got hooked on the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows back in the olden days when I lived in a dorm room, my bed doubled as a couch, and my viewing apparatus was a 14-inch box that included a built-in VCR. (Kids, VCRs were machines that played movies using strange rectangular devices called video tapes. Now go to your room for making me feel old.) Once I moved in with my sorority sisters, watching The Bachelor became a weekly event. It was a great way to relax, hang out, put off writing that paper for another hour, and make fun of people who were prettier and stupider than we were. Or at least appeared that way on TV.

After we graduated, watching this parade of slut-tastic ridiculousness just wasn’t the same. When I scoffed out loud about how that blonde chick had a bad boob job and was wearing a pageant dress or how Jesse the football player smashed girls’ faces when he kissed them, I was either greeted by silence or a polite chuckle from my roommate or boyfriend. Where were my girls when I needed them??

While watching an episode during Lorenzo “Prince Toolbox” Borghese’s season, I happened to be talking with a couple of them on AOL instant messenger. (Kids, instant messenger is an old fashioned online messaging service that – wait a second, who said you could come out of your room??) And that, my friends, was when a tradition was born: The Bachelor Chat!

For those of you who don’t use AIM anymore, there is a “chat” function that allows you to create chat rooms and have conversations online with a group of people. For those of you who still use AIM – why? Anyway, we invited all of our friends to join our chats during The Bachelor episodes and pretty soon it became a weekly event. I especially looked forward to it since I had moved to St. Louis and most of my college friends were still in Chicago – it was a fun way to keep in touch.

Sadly, it seems the days of the Bachelor Chat may be going by the wayside. Since we all started chatting, many of us have gotten married, started new demanding careers or moved out of the Central time zone. It also doesn’t help that the episodes are now 2 hours long. Two hours?? Really, ABC? Thankfully, this group of friends has not yet been struck by the baby boom, but I guess that’s just a matter of time as well. Who knows, once we all have kids we might not even have time for reality TV – oh, the horror!

One thing that makes me kind of sad about getting older is the fact that life increasingly tends to get in the way of recreational guilty pleasures such as the Bachelor Chat. So listen up, friends who don’t have babies yet: I have a plan! Let’s wait a couple years and then all have babies at exactly the same time! If we sync up our lives this way, our kids will all be best friends and they can play together while we hang out, and then our kids can all marry each other and we’ll never lose touch just like one big happy family! Or commune…whatever.

Well if that brilliant plan doesn’t pan out for some reason, I guess my only hope is that our lives may calm down by the time we all retire and maybe then we can actually resume the Bachelor Chat or The Price Is Right Chat, or whatever old people will be watching in 30 years.

Addendum: Ok, it’s the following morning and now we all know that Vienna has won Jake’s heart (which according to him is still “crying” for Tenley – over a balcony perhaps?). The two lovebirds actually danced on the After the Final Rose special while Jeffrey Osborne (who?) sang On the Wings of Love in the background. And let me tell you, my eyes could not roll far enough back in my head to express the way I felt about this. Reality TV, I love you.

Random tip of the day: Doing an ab workout that includes 130 leg drops and 3 minute planks when you have a cold is NOT a good idea because oh my God it hurts to sneeze the next day.