I am no authority on fashion. But I do I have thoughts and occasionally even opinions. When beautiful people in shiny outfits parade down a red carpet striking poses that scream, “Look at me!” I say, “Ok!” And then my simple non-fashiony brain comes up with thoughts like these.

Emma Stone

I like Emma Stone, I really do (see?). But I liked her a little bit more when she had a neck. That massive bow is really going for the jugular. It’s like she’s being strangled in the prettiest way possible. I see this photo and all I can think is BOW! BIG BOW! SMALL HEAD! I’m sure the rest of the look is lovely, but HUGE BOW! Sorry, what was I saying? PINHEAD!

Stacy Keibler

Hmm, looks like George Clooney dropped one of his accessories on the red carpet. Oh well, I’m sure someone will find it and scoop it up before it gets stepped on. I think the same thing happened to his cuff links at the Golden Globes.

Ellie Kemper

I think this is my favorite look. Impeccable bang/dress coordination. Plus it’s shiny and reminds me of Katniss’ Girl on Fire outfit in The Hunger Games. I miss Cinna.

Rooney Mara

Wait, no – this is my favorite look! Beaming down to the red carpet from that Tiffany’s in the Sky, the Ghost of Audrey Hepburn BROUGHT it! And her bangs are totally kicking Ellie’s bangs’ ass (asses?).

Gwyneth Paltrow

Like the annoying child who believes that donning a bathroom towel turns him into a superhero, Gwyneth here would just like you to please pay attention to her. She is wearing a cape, so that makes her cool. And invincible. But I have to give the woman credit – she’s wearing her hair the way I wear mine when I work out, and she still looks chic. Blast! But let’s not forget who named her child after a fruit…

Kristen Wiig

Since Kristen and I are totally BFF, I’m not going to say anything about how she looks like a feather duster made out of human flesh. Well ok, maybe we’re not best friends, but we totally would be if we ever met. Plus, I know if I made fun of her, she’d come back with some sort of hilarious zinger because she’s so funny and clever. So… yeah. Kristen – call me!

Images from chicagotribune.com.