I have a theory

You know how lately a bunch of reality shows have been showing way too much footage of people giving birth?

In the past 6 months alone we’ve had:

Kendra popping out Hank Jr.

Kourtney K. pulling Mason out of herself (shudder).

Real Housewife Teresa screaming bloody murder from her epidural and bringing forth another expensive life that undoubtedly did nothing to help her family’s bankruptcy situation.

Other Real Housewife Bethenny dealing with the intense pain of childbirth by gripping her bed rails so hard she almost tore the thing apart while her terrified husband looked on.

And so far, each reality TV birth that I’ve watched (or the parts that I’ve glimpsed when I’m not covering my face in horror) is more graphic, gruesome, bloody, and fluid-y than the next.

It’s like watching one of the Saw movies that takes place in a hospital. (Does one of those movies take place in a hospital? I don’t know. I would never subject myself to watching that stuff.)

It’s not beautiful or touching. It’s really, really scary.

And I think I know why:

It’s all part of a secret government plan to get lazy, shallow people to stop procreating!

Hear me out.

FACT: Americans are multiplying at an alarming and possibly unsustainable rate.

FACT: Most people who spend a lot of their time watching reality TV are not contributing a ton to society (yes, I realize I’m talking about myself here).

Why not target all of the women out there who enjoy watching (and maybe aspire to be) spoiled, whiny socialites and barrage them with horrifying footage of the painful, emotional, body-destroying process of child birth?

They will never, ever want to have children.

And that, my friends, is the point. Because the last thing this country needs is more vapid reality TV addicts.

Did I just blow your mind?

If I’m any proof, The Plan is working. In order to get to the point where I’m not terrified of having kids, I better stop watching Bravo and E! altogether. But that’s quite a sacrifice.

P.S. Readers, if I happen to conveniently “disappear” in the next couple of weeks, you’ll know what I’ve told you is TRUE…

P.P.S. Who watched the finale of The Bachelorette on Monday?? Love! Honor! Tropical paradise! A shirtless Roberto! No child births! It was pretty great. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I have a good feeling about Ali and Roberto. (NOTE: I did NOT say that about Jake and Vienna.)

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