I (and the rest of America it seems) have had a love/hate relationship with The Hills.
I love the pretty clothes, the pretty boys, the glamorized SoCal lifestyle, and the fact that the conversations between Audrina and Justin Bobby make me feel really smart and glad that I didn’t do a lot of drugs in college.
I hate the forced plotlines, the fake jobs, the fake hair, and the shame I feel for actually watching the show. Oh, the shame.
But I like to consider myself a “student of life,” and my life these days includes a lot of really dumb reality shows like The Hills. So in light of the series finale last night (and the extra half hour I’ll have every week to do something more productive like work on my novel – HA!) here are some things that I actually learned from watching this show over the past four years.
1. It’s always sunny in L.A. Always. (Feal the rain on your skin? What rain, Natasha Bedingfield??)
2. If you like clothes, go to fashion school and interview very, very poorly, amazing jobs at Teen Vogue and People’s Revolution will fall into your lap like rain from the sky.
3. Plastic surgery and Spencer Pratts destroy families.
4. If you want to keep your best friend, don’t start dating her arch nemesis and then convince your other friend and the guy your BFF is casually dating to hook up. Very bad things will happen and you will find yourself in a club with your ex-BFF in your face screaming “You know what you did!”
5. Anything Heidi Montag does, do the exact opposite. That girl sticks to bad decisions like white on rice.
6. Alleged sex tapes should always be alluded to but never directly discussed.
7. Everyone in L.A. has slept with, gotten drunk with, publicly fought with, or broken into the house of everyone else.
8. The transition from reality TV star to movie star just does not happen (I’m looking at you, Audrina).
9. Wear heels. At all times.
10. People in L.A. spend the majority of their time meeting people at nice, sunny outdoor restaurants so they can “talk.”
11. Staring blankly at someone from across a dimly lit table can be interpreted as aggressive, seductive, sad or amused depending on the top 40 pop song playing in the background.
12. When a reality show is failing, bringing in a “new” girl who is bitchy and swears a lot will surprisingly only make the show worse.
13. If you date Brody Jenner, he will break your heart, then become your best friend.
14. Enzo the neighbor boy will be in the market for a good child psychologist after his parents pawned him off on a vapid human Barbie doll and a rage-infested sociopath who didn’t really like him anyway.
15. When a ship is sinking – jump off! (Nicely done, LC and Whitney.)
Oh Lauren, Heidi, Spencer, Audrina, Brody, Stephanie, Kristen, Lo, Justin Bobby, and Stacie the Bartender…I hate you! I love you! I hate how much I love you!
And I salute you all as you fade into ex-reality show star obscurity.