Want to hear about our trip to Miami last weekend?

Hopefully you do because I just spent 20 minutes of my life composing a song about it. Or, I took a song that was already composed and made up new words.

I present to you a little ditty entitled Party in Miami Beach. Please sing to the tune of Party in the U.S.A. by the always classy Miley Cyrus, because I intuitively knew getting that song stuck in your head is exactly what you needed right now.

If you want, you can picture me singing it to you (a serenade, if you will). My voice sounds a lot like Christina Aguilera’s. Maybe a little bit more soulful. Enjoy.

I hopped off the plane in Miami

With bleary eyes and a need for sun.

Welcome to the land of overpriced drinks – and where can I get one?

Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time

Look to my right and I see a drag show sign

This is all so crazy, he really looks like a lady!

 

We get to South Beach and see all the Art Deco

And a cute little gecko

That’s when we changed our clothes and we hit the beach

 

And saw an old guy in a thong.

An old guy in a thong.

An old guy in a THONG!

 

So I put my hands up

To cover my face

And make that nastiness go away

Skin folds galore like yeah

Butt floss, no more like yeah

 

I put my hands up

My eyes, my eyes!

I know I probably uttered a screech

Yeeeaa-aa-aah it’s a party in Miami Beach!

 

Walking to the club down Collins Ave.

Everybody’s speaking Spanish now

Like “Hola chica, que paso?”

Are we sure this is an American town?

 

So hard with these juice heads all around me

Definitely like a Jersey Shore party

‘Cause there’s a TV crew and JWOWW

And no, I’m not joking with you now

 

My tummy’s turnin’ and I see The Situation

What an awesome vacation!

That’s when I almost got to take a cell phone pic

 

But MTV guy yelled at me

The MTV guy yelled at me

The MTV guy yelled at ME!

 

So I put my hands up

They’re leaving us now

My chance at fame flies away

I’m all nonchalant like yeah

Idiotic smile on my face like yeah

 

I put my hands up

Let’s go get a drink

A mojito must be within reach

Yeeeaa-aa-aah it’s a party in Miami Beach!

 

Yes, we really saw JWOWW and The Situation filming a Jersey Shore episode. And I made eye contact with Mr. Situation himself! For those venturing to South Beach in the near future, they appear to be working at a yogurt place on Collins Ave. Don’t be surprised if you see Will and me milling about in the background in one of the Season 2 episodes…