I know, I know, I’m jumping the gun a little – you have to actually have kids (or want to have them) before you can screw them up. But I’ve always been the type of person who worries plans in advance. Some might say I need to be more spontaneous, but I just take comfort in the fact that not much ever surprises me. And if it does – I freak out.
By thinking of all of the things I could do that might possibly turn my children into horrible people before they become actual people, I feel like I might be able to avoid them (the things I could do, not the children…although avoiding your children seems like a great way to screw them up…didn’t crack the top 5 though). We’ll see.
1. When Gatsby is sleeping on my lap while I’m watching TV and a catchy song (usually an iPod commercial) comes on, I like to pick him up, stand him on his hind legs and make him dance until he bites me. I’m truly concerned about how difficult it might be to control this same urge with a baby.
2. One time, this thought actually crossed my mind: Even if I have a boy someday, what’s the harm in dressing him in girl clothes when I take him out in public for the first few months of his life? They’re so much cuter than boy clothes. And I think I might like my baby more if I can put bows in its hair. No one will know the difference…
3. As an adolescent, I had glasses, braces, bad skin and was a spelling bee champ. Will also had glasses and bad skin and was a geography bee champ . In other words, our nerdiness knew no bounds. Our future kids are already facing uphill battles based on genetics alone!
4. Will and I were both pretty good students, so if our kids don’t do well in school, I’m either going to accuse them of being lazy and not trying hard enough or seriously consider how likely it was that the hospital gave us the wrong baby. These kinds of expectations may be a tad unhealthy to put on a child who I haven’t even met. And yet, here they are.
5. I watch all of the Real Housewives shows on Bravo. I really hope those shows get cancelled (what am I saying!?) before my kids are old enough to watch TV because they really shouldn’t be watching that stuff. And I don’t trust myself not to watch it just because they’re in the room. The excuse, “they don’t understand it anyway” would probably escape my lips and then, before I know it, they’ll be walking around talking about “bubbies” and asking why we don’t have a house in the Hamptons. Also, I really don’t want them thinking that Kelly Bensimon is what normal moms look like. Lets leave the unrealistic expectations to me, ok kids?