Last Sunday night, I watched the Emmys. Or most of the Emmys – Mad Men came on at 9 pm and hello! Priorities!

I think it’s a little ridiculous how red carpet fashion gets analyzed and critiqued to death but I also love it a little bit too. It’s a nice way to remind celebrities that although they may be beautiful and talented (for the most part), they can’t be perfect all the time. And when they’re not, they will be subjected to a ruthless public flogging.

While the fashion commentators get a little technical at times, throwing terms around like silhouette and drape, I don’t think most Americans care enough to even consider whether or not a cowl neck is flattering on Demi Moore’s bone structure or whatever.

For those who are interested in an honest first impression-based opinion from a person who does read fasion blogs but doesn’t know why because they make her feel completely inadequate, here are some of my thoughts.

Note: I’m not going to list off designers because who really cares, and if you are actually intending on running out and buying Versace because you saw it on some celebrity, then can you send me an offshoot of that money tree you have growing in your backyard?

Anna Paquin

Here we have warrior princess Anna, who after successfully slaying the evil golden-scaled dragon, decided to skin it and fashion it into a mini breast plate. Kind of like a crop top of armor with shoulder pads.

Christina Hendricks

BOOBS. Not crazy about the color or feathers that make it look like it’s been so long since she last shaved her pits that her hair has spider webs growing from it. But her face and red hair are sooo pretty. And I’m totally heterosexual, but wow her figure is banging. And BOOBS.

January Jones

I LOVE that color. I bet if you lick this dress it tastes like blueberries. The rest of January is a hot mess. Hopefully whoever got to sit on either side of her in the theater could see over the flared out wings of distracting flashing blueness that was hitting them in the face.

Heidi Klum

Cute, but short. Kind of like an embellished corset with no pants. I bet the paparazzi were on high alert crotch-watch when she stepped out of the limo. Luckily when you have friends like Tim Gunn, you know how to be ladylike.

Kim Kardashian

To-ga! To-ga! Kim, the Four Seasons called and they want their sheets back. Actually, I like this dress. It’s not black, sheer, lacy or painted on. Are we sure this is Kim Kardashian?

Tina Fey

Ooh she looks sassy here! I used to want to be an Egyptologist and I’m pretty sure it says “30 Rock Rules” and “I got to kiss Jon Hamm so all you other ladies can suck it” across her chest in heiroglyphics.

Betty White

Awwww. And awwww. She looks like my grandma wrapped in a sunset. These days Betty can do no wrong and I’m pretty sure if I said anything mean about her outfit, someone would start a Facebook page petitioning to have me killed.

Claire Danes

Sparkles! If I ever get invited to a black tie red carpet event, I think this is the kind of dress I would wear. Except I would look less like a Barbie doll and more like…well, someone who doesn’t belong at a red carpet event. P.S. I had to squint and put my face up against my computer screen to make sure this was actually Claire Danes. Angela? From My So-Called Life? Are you in there?

For more fashion commentary that’s actually funny and actually fashion commentary, check out Tom & Lorenzo where I got all of these photos. No one does fashion like the gays.